...once and again.

 Years have passed and yes, I am still here and I still remain a wayfarer. So may stories untold. So many new scars but oh so many blessings. Now? The Wayfarer is now home. His true north found and two finally became one...The process?

Hurt.. 

Humbled..

Grateful..

Thankful..

Undeserving of the pearl of great price that was given me. 

God knows what he is doing....

 

 

Rick 

  

 

Pain

Waved into my rear view mirror when I drove away, thought I'd see you again.
Fought a bitter sweet battle after that, hearts unraveled within.
I left a piece of me with you back there said "I'd return and we'd start"
But for you the days to grew long and ya soon strung another heart..soon strung another heart.

Pain, Its all I have of you 
Pain, but I'll hold on cause when its gone afraid you'll be gone too. 

Times its been bitter, its been cold but I've basked in the glory of the sun.
I've danced in the rain that disguised my tears when I thought that you were the one.

Blindsided, bulldozed, left empty, is there's no life in this ache?
Cause I was left confused hurt abandoned but it wasn't more than I could take, wasn't more than I could take.

Pain, Its all I have of you 
Pain, I'll hold on cause when its gone afraid you'll be gone too. 

Few times Ive ran through this rubble each time grew a thicker skin.
Looking through the other side of trouble, saying "I'm not gonna do that again".
You can play others hearts like a fiddle. Maybe they'll sing to your tune.
I wont be stuck in the middle with them stitches in a open wound
Flesh it fell apart to soon, split apart to soon.


Pain, Its all I have of you 
Pain, I'll hold on cause when its gone afraid you'll be gone too.

...revisiting.

 It's been over a year since I have been here, been in my thoughts, almost like a forgotten room in a house suddenly open to the light. Many years have passed since my time began here. Looking around, still so many scattered memories not dealt with and lessons of the heart and mind still not put away for good. I find myself thinking maybe its time to begin again. For now? Sitting here just thinking am I strong enough to do so....

 

...revisiting...

...been here before.

 Been here before. I know the drill. My fault from the beginning. More times than not I have to walk away from what I should have never walked towards to begin with. Nothing more than being re-reminded again.

....Faded.

  

"You were the shadow to my light, did you feel us? Another start, you fade away. Afraid our aim is out of sight, wanna see us, alight"...

Where are you now...

Was it all in my fantasy, 

Where are you now, 

Were you only imaginary.

So lost....

I'm fading......

Alan Walker "Faded"

===============================

How the heart remembers, how it idealizes someone, the moment, every moment, the love it clung ever so tightly to and now looks back having a forced moment of clarity. A difficult reconciling in how it felt back then to now...recognizing its denial and that time is what it is, gone.  

Memories passing by. "Was it all in my fantasy, were you imaginary"
With a gentle goodbye it comes to an end, the heart being silent and the mind begins the process of sorting through the emotions, memories, slowly filing away and locking away every piece it collects. Finality starts a new thread, a new line of thought. A slow healing will begin eventually, but for now the realization, doubt, that maybe it was all in my mind, but the heart still yearned for how it felt once, what it wanted now. The mind, knowing the price to be paid would be quick and painful, can only stand and watch not wanting to accept that it could've possibly intervened. The heart being addicted to the emotions it felt then and wanting yet again hoping that the other also felt something special. Time brings more clarity, going from all things anew to slowly being faded and with this a healing begins.  

"I'm letting go, a deeper dive".  

The mind now simply sits quietly, taking in everything and is lost for now.

 

Faded.......

 

...tearing at the seams.

 

...seeking solace.

 When change arrives in life we struggle, deny, reason and finally accept it, trying to carry on, carry a resemblance of normalcy and hold to what we think is what we need in life. The mind and heart continue screaming at each other, bitterness and disappointment with an emptiness I had hoped to have forgotten by now. Once again facing the realization that things will never be what I wanted and needing to move on. It is painful. Its carving an all to familiar void in my heart, but its necessary. Regret? A two sided coin indeed. Graced with emotions from one extreme to the other. The heart, not aware of the subtle lies it tells itself but wont admit to, still races on. Its oblivious to the end result ahead and the mind being helpless can only brace.  

Then the inevitable hits..repeatedly, deeper each time, each memory. Punishment of sorts, mine and mine alone to endure. Realization hits harder than anything, leaving no more than futile reasoning at "why" and "what". Now just a quiet, deep and hollow emptiness that clings to the senses. The heart and mind are now quiet with now words needed...

 

 

...seeking solace       

....oh I wish.

You said, "There's a place for you up in the sky and next time we meet I know you'll be shining."
But the forces of gravity, uncertainty, self doubt, they pushed me back down to the ground right where I started.

Oh I wish the wind would just carry me
home, because I don't belong here, no.

I know there's a place for me out in this world, but I got lost I'm just a guy. I'm fearful but learning.
And I don't want anyone to see me break, because I'm held together with string and lately it's tearing.
And I wonder if I will ever be fine.
Yes, I wonder if I will ever smile again.

Oh I wish the wind would just carry me
Home, because I don't belong here no.

....oh I wish. "Carry Me" Olivia Milershin

All these faded pictures I save in the corners of my mind. They call in waves to take me away, I won’t be back tonight… 

 ...And I breathe, the sights, that we left behind. When I dream, those nights, will always be mine. 

And I feel as years unfold that we are still connected, to those days when we were young and you were my reflection..

 

 And I still come back to you..

 

 And you are my reflection...

 

 

...where to from here.

 ...another day faded into evening and another day of uncertainty at an end. Nightfall brings another tapestry of remembrance and how that time has slipped away from me. I have no anchor and the compass spins, having lost my true north. Regret, wishing apologies could be passed on and just maybe forgiveness, if any, obtained but time doesn't allow for this. Sometimes you don't get to share the enlightenment of your wrongs trying to be made right. Somethings can't be fixed nor need to be revisited, some regret you just have to live with. Years wasted in not knowing what I really wanted nor what I was doing. A perpetual train wreck that never ceased, creating chaos that would revisit me later in life. The outcome? Being well beyond solitude and into being alone. For almost 20 years this blog, like me, has been a work in progress. What I thought was progress was nothing more than me stumbling through relationships, friendships to now find myself in this self made world of mind games of middle age remorse. Even with all that's been said and done there remains a small amount of hope. 

 

...where to from here.   

....when memories come to play

  It's easy to reach for a memory, as it provides a temporary solace of sorts. But like any medication it slowly fades, leaving you wanting another dose. Slowly you find yourself needing ever increasing doses. Its an addiction until someone enters your life to bring it to an end and begin a chapter anew. Its a safety valve for the heart and mind now that all is said and done. The days are far past for me. The heart and mind sit in solitude. Memories come to play each eveningfall and fade with each morning. I have loved deeply, much to my own hurt. I held on when I should have let go, walked into things knowing I should have walked away from. Sadly I have walked away when I should have held on with everything. Now? Hesitant to begin again as the heart, like the mind, is numb, afraid and unsure. Constant struggle but finally a few moments of relief

 

...when memories come to play.

...remembering to forget.

Sometimes words don't flow, sometimes it's that there's just to much inside. Time, healing and solitude are needed to allow an escape of sorts. Inspiration, muse of a different kind perhaps? Needing to remember that I need to forget and let go. Hindsight providing the images that a right choice was made but with a heavy price to pay and repaid through the years. Day by day, bit by bit, letting memories go and watching another world slowly drift away. The heart and mind, still silent but still ever so hopeful as each day brings another day of closure of normality. Realizing life is a journey and I need to start enjoying that blessed part of it as I once did. Relearning who I am and where I am headed. Knowing that there's more to this life than just mere chance. For now its a daily effort to keep the heart and mind moving forward and to just

 

....remember to forget.  

Jason Crabb - He Knows What He's Doing (Lyric Video)

So here while my heart breaks I have to believe that God, he knows what he's doing"

...back when

 

...tonight I sit quietly thinking of "back when." Wishing that I could have known back then what I know now. But that's just the way it works. So much time gone, me just stumbling my way through life and relationships with no clue of my direction, thinking I knew what I wanted what I was doing and leaving a path of bitterness behind. Now having both eyes opened I can clearly see and must sit and reminisce at what was and what could have been. A punishment of sorts that I deserve more than I can say and humbly and rightfully endure now. We reap what we sow and more. Scars by my own doing resulting in my undoing. Reading back over the entire blog and not much has changed except me getting older. Moments of realization, of happiness and goodbyes and then repeat process. I am alone, my fault as it has been before. Life of a wayfarer, knowing I really need some photography time on the back roads, I guess I am trying to find some elusive part of me I lost a long time ago, real or imagined. The needed escape for me, being in my element, unknown and a nobody. I still wonder about "what ifs" and "if onlys" and know that there is no going back...But tonight I sit here and remember,

 

...back when.

...still fading.

..let her go It'll be alright

 

 

 

But nothing heals, the past like time
and they can't steal the love you're born to find...

It's never easy to walk away, let her go, it'll be okay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

..let her go, it'll be alright..

 

 

.....ordinary world not seeming ordinary.

Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue Thought I heard you talking softly. I turned on the lights, the TV, and the radio, still I can't escape the ghost of you. What has happened to it all? Crazy someone say. Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away...

--------

 Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say "Pride will tear us both apart." Well now prides gone out the window cross the rooftops run away, left me in the vacuum of my heart. What is happening to me? Crazy someone say. Where is my friend when I need you most? Gone away

--------

 Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed. Fear today forgot tomorrow. Besides the news of holy war and holy need, ours is just a little sorrowed talk..

  But I won't cry for yesterday There's an ordinary world Somehow I have to find.. And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world, I will learn to survive

 

 

 Every world is my world 

(I will learn to survive).................eventually.

...sometimes.

...sometimes things aren't what they seem and never were.
...sometimes things go south and no reason is given.
...sometimes things change and the storm blindsides you.
...sometimes a kiss hurts more than a goodbye.
...sometimes you cant let go even though it hurts to hang on.
...sometimes you think you knew it all and didn't.
...sometimes you do reap what you have sown, scar by scar.
...sometimes no matter how well you hide, memories still find you.

...sometimes the demons do win...


...sometimes.

...so many.

Returned from a long road trip. My soul found much needed solace with a mixture of back road solitude. Sunrises and sunsets competed for my attention as the mind cherished both. The moon and stars complimented each other as they crossed the Appalachian mountains. My camera clicking away, capturing moments now slowly drifting deeper into my memory for safe keeping. Life behind the lens, one moment at a time. Sights familiar yet always new to the senses and the heart feels its finally back home when on the road, with each day bringing a bit of healing. There's a place within the heart. We all know it. A yearning for something, maybe someone who we have met, possibly haven't met yet. Maybe its somewhere, a place that feels like coming home. My heart feels a mixture of all. The book opened with pages turned, so many blank and waiting to be written yet with pen in hand I still stare at them not knowing what to say. Miles passed and memories followed me down each forgotten road while some patiently waited for me to pass by, bringing bitter sweetness with a subtle smile. 

So many pages to be written.

 

....step by step.

Tonight sitting down, I yearn to write like I once did. Thoughts once flowed so easily from memories made. Aside from an entry here or there the freedom to truly let go has remained elusive for quite some time. Once when prose came easily as if to play and everything flowed. Time was kind, slow to pass and the Wayfarer counted the miles and smiles that passed by. Memory after memory step by step and the journey continued until...
---------------------------
Tonight I finally feel a subtle hint of the familiar. Still distant but still a reconnecting. Many years ago a wayfarer was born when "someone said goodbye". The joy of discovery of whats around the next turn in life. Since then so many poor choices of the heart, coupled with impetuousness, have taken a toll on the mind and soul. If my heart were a house it would not be home. As of this moment jaded memories of late with broken themes line its walls like an odd tapestry. The mind and heart trust not the other and so the emptiness remains but with time and healing they will begin a dialog. So many scars now with so many memories that accompany each one. The mind counts each one, each memory, while the heart looks on, ashamed for creating the chaos over the years. Now, both are deeply jaded and numbed. Where to from here? I haven't a clue but somewhere out there are more memories to make, more back roads to explore and just maybe this Wayfarer will find a bit of healing. 

Step by step..