Friday, April 3, 2020

....step by step.

Tonight sitting down, I yearn to write like I once did. Thoughts once flowed so easily from memories made. Aside from an entry here or there the freedom to truly let go has remained elusive for quite some time. Once when prose came easily as if to play and everything flowed. Time was kind, slow to pass and the Wayfarer counted the miles and smiles that passed by. Memory after memory step by step and the journey continued until...
Tonight I finally feel a subtle hint of the familiar. Still distant but still a reconnecting. Many years ago a wayfarer was born when "someone said goodbye". The joy of discovery of whats around the next turn in life. Since then so many poor choices of the heart, coupled with impetuousness, have taken a toll on the mind and soul. If my heart were a house it would not be home. As of this moment jaded memories of late with broken themes line its walls like an odd tapestry. The mind and heart trust not the other and so the emptiness remains but with time and healing they will begin a dialog. So many scars now with so many memories that accompany each one. The mind counts each one, each memory, while the heart looks on, ashamed for creating the chaos over the years. Now, both are deeply jaded and numbed. Where to from here? I haven't a clue but somewhere out there are more memories to make, more back roads to explore and just maybe this Wayfarer will find a bit of healing. 

Step by step..


Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

...right here waiting.

Day by day. Expectations balanced on reality. Watching from afar and knowing things are the same and as they should be. A smile from within and the years fade with choices made and time moves us along. Tonight, I finally have time to stop and try to find some familiar music and put my thoughts into perspective. Still amazes me how thoughts once flowed so easily and now things seem to be in a bottleneck of sorts. Walking so carefully now, not trusting others or my own judgment. Repeating mistakes over the years and expecting different outcomes and now seeing everything so clearly. Realizing the hurt I caused others and myself. Stumbling through life with a sense of thinking I knew what I was doing and setting myself up for failure. Finally I am where I need to be and should have been a long time ago. Better late than never. Waiting now for that that I seek. Patience never used before, now a saving grace. Looking back at what could have been one to many times, to what is and now what can be. Bitter sweetness remains but now a clean and final slate to be written. Even now as this blog continues, the reason it was created remains a constant. Someone said goodbye. Even through all the chaos I still remain...

...right here waiting.

Monday, December 31, 2018

...once and again.

...I don't post much as I once did. Twenty years have brought so many changes in my life. "Blessed' is an understatement of sorts. Easy for me to get distracted by past events in my life but slowly seeing a much bigger picture now. 2019 is a few hours a way followed by a birthday marking 51 solar cycles here on earth. Gone is the love struck thirty something idealist of true love, and the adventure of finding "the one" that goes along with it. Twenty years and this blog is still here and so am I. Still here sitting in front of a screen thinking and typing. Not that that there wasn't joy and happiness during this time. There was, prices paid and lessons learned. Now realizing that I didn't know as much as what I thought I did and that people aren't what they seem to be sometimes. I have been to the edge of the abyss and walked back, knowing its not the answer. Within all this so many memories with tears and smiles to go with each. 2018 has been a year of change for me and I can say for the better. Wishing I could go back and change so much, a smile here and an many apologies there. Turning 51 isn't about wondering "if i still got it", its all about having whats needful and being humble, thankful and content with what I have. 

Happy New year...once and again. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2018 late.

      ..sometimes its just to late.
To late to say goodbye..
 To late to say I am sorry..
  To late to say I was wrong..
   To late to say I was right
    To late for the apology..
     To late to be the man wish I could have been..
      To late to be the man I thought I was.
       To late to realize you weren't who I thought you were..
       To late to to never have met you..
      To late to have just kept walking..
     To late to have made different choices in life..
    To late to just think with the my head and not my heart..
   To late for "what if's"..
  To late for "if only"..
 To late to trust.. 
To late for everything..