Tuesday, April 9, 2019

...resurfacing.

  
A beautiful afternoon spent traveling around looking at the rolling countryside taking pictures. The sun begins to slip toward the horizon and I have yet to find a spot to shoot my ending images for the day. Then I remembered a perfect spot to shoot from. the warm evening air feels good blowing across the fields. As the sun goes down the nightlights began to twinkle on, you pull me off to one side and began to point out the lights of small towns several miles in the distance. You name the places now visible by eveningfall and the lights coming to life.... A train eases past us on a nearby track, having sneaked up on me and I complain as I am not set up for it and miss the shot. You smile at me, amused, and I cant help but laugh at myself. The train slowly moves on and fades into the darkness, its whistle announcing it has finally made it home and will rest. The stars are coming out one by one. I stand still and look at the beauty that is before me, reliving the day. I turn to you and you simply stare at me with a subtle smile, hand resting on my arm and then........
A entry from back in February 3rd of 2009. I still remember that dream as if I had just awakened from it. To this day I still do not know who she was. She still graces my dreams. Still a mystery.
...still here. 
...and now the mystery is solved as I knew the answer all along. Sometimes we need our eyes opened to see, even when we think we can see. 
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This is final time of reposting this particular blog entry. For now the last page is written and slowly the curtain falls. Sometimes a lost dream steps out and into your world. Sometimes that dream is someone you said goodbye to a long time ago. The one that you let get away when there was no other person to blame but myself. But sometimes you get that oh so rare second chance. The truly unexpected, as a long closed door opens and the compass finds its true north. I stand amazed, humbled and so unworthy for what stood before me then and now stands beside me. My blessing and my dream.

Where to from here? Wayfarers journey indeed. So many back roads await discovery. Resurfacing.

See you there.. 






   








  

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

...right here waiting.

Day by day. Expectations balanced on reality. Watching from afar and knowing things are the same and as they should be. A smile from within and the years fade with choices made and time moves us along. Tonight, I finally have time to stop and try to find some familiar music and put my thoughts into perspective. Still amazes me how thoughts once flowed so easily and now things seem to be in a bottleneck of sorts. Walking so carefully now, not trusting others or my own judgment. Repeating mistakes over the years and expecting different outcomes and now seeing everything so clearly. Realizing the hurt I caused others and myself. Stumbling through life with a sense of thinking I knew what I was doing and setting myself up for failure. Finally I am where I need to be and should have been a long time ago. Better late than never. Waiting now for that that I seek. Patience never used before, now a saving grace. Looking back at what could have been one to many times, to what is and now what can be. Bitter sweetness remains but now a clean and final slate to be written. Even now as this blog continues, the reason it was created remains a constant. Someone said goodbye. Even through all the chaos I still remain...


...right here waiting.

Monday, December 31, 2018

...once and again.

...I don't post much as I once did. Twenty years have brought so many changes in my life. "Blessed' is an understatement of sorts. Easy for me to get distracted by past events in my life but slowly seeing a much bigger picture now. 2019 is a few hours a way followed by a birthday marking 51 solar cycles here on earth. Gone is the love struck thirty something idealist of true love, and the adventure of finding "the one" that goes along with it. Twenty years and this blog is still here and so am I. Still here sitting in front of a screen thinking and typing. Not that that there wasn't joy and happiness during this time. There was, prices paid and lessons learned. Now realizing that I didn't know as much as what I thought I did and that people aren't what they seem to be sometimes. I have been to the edge of the abyss and walked back, knowing its not the answer. Within all this so many memories with tears and smiles to go with each. 2018 has been a year of change for me and I can say for the better. Wishing I could go back and change so much, a smile here and an many apologies there. Turning 51 isn't about wondering "if i still got it", its all about having whats needful and being humble, thankful and content with what I have. 

Happy New year...once and again. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

...to late.

      ..sometimes its just to late.
To late to say goodbye..
 To late to say I am sorry..
  To late to say I was wrong..
   To late to say I was right
    To late for the apology..
     To late to be the man wish I could have been..
      To late to be the man I thought I was.
       To late to realize you weren't who I thought you were..
       To late to to never have met you..
      To late to have just kept walking..
     To late to have made different choices in life..
    To late to just think with the my head and not my heart..
   To late for "what if's"..
  To late for "if only"..
 To late to trust.. 
To late for everything..

 
 

Friday, November 16, 2018

....and again.





"When I shut my eyes I still feel you in my arms and it's you I want, but I can't have you, not this time." 
  


...all I have tonight.