Friday, December 24, 2021

...been here before.

 Been here before. I know the drill. My fault from the beginning. More times than not I have to walk away from what I should have never walked towards to begin with. Nothing more than being re-reminded again.

Tuesday, November 9, 2021



"You were the shadow to my light, did you feel us? Another start, you fade away. Afraid our aim is out of sight, wanna see us, alight"...

Where are you now...

Was it all in my fantasy, 

Where are you now, 

Were you only imaginary.

So lost....

I'm fading......

Alan Walker "Faded"


How the heart remembers, how it idealizes someone, the moment, every moment, the love it clung ever so tightly to and now looks back having a forced moment of clarity. A difficult reconciling in how it felt back then to now...recognizing its denial and that time is what it is, gone.  

Memories passing by. "Was it all in my fantasy, were you imaginary"
With a gentle goodbye it comes to an end, the heart being silent and the mind begins the process of sorting through the emotions, memories, slowly filing away and locking away every piece it collects. Finality starts a new thread, a new line of thought. A slow healing will begin eventually, but for now the realization, doubt, that maybe it was all in my mind, but the heart still yearned for how it felt once, what it wanted now. The mind, knowing the price to be paid would be quick and painful, can only stand and watch not wanting to accept that it could've possibly intervened. The heart being addicted to the emotions it felt then and wanting yet again hoping that the other also felt something special. Time brings more clarity, going from all things anew to slowly being faded and with this a healing begins.  

"I'm letting go, a deeper dive".

The mind now simply sits quietly, taking in everything and is lost for now.




Sunday, September 5, 2021

Monday, August 23, 2021

...seeking solace.

 When change arrives in life we struggle, deny, reason and finally accept it, trying to carry on, carry a resemblance of normalcy and hold to what we think is what we need in life. The mind and heart continue screaming at each other, bitterness and disappointment with an emptiness I had hoped to have forgotten by now. Once again facing the realization that things will never be what I wanted and needing to move on. It is painful. Its carving an all to familiar void in my heart, but its necessary. Regret? A two sided coin indeed. Graced with emotions from one extreme to the other. The heart, not aware of the subtle lies it tells itself but wont admit to, still races on. Its oblivious to the end result ahead and the mind being helpless can only brace.  

Then the inevitable hits..repeatedly, deeper each time, each memory. Punishment of sorts, mine and mine alone to endure. Realization hits harder than anything, leaving no more than futile reasoning at "why" and "what". Now just a quiet, deep and hollow emptiness that clings to the senses. The heart and mind are now quiet with now words needed...



...seeking solace       

Monday, August 2, 2021

....oh I wish.

You said, "There's a place for you up in the sky and next time we meet I know you'll be shining."
But the forces of gravity, uncertainty, self doubt, they pushed me back down to the ground right where I started.

Oh I wish the wind would just carry me
home, because I don't belong here, no.

I know there's a place for me out in this world, but I got lost I'm just a guy. I'm fearful but learning.
And I don't want anyone to see me break, because I'm held together with string and lately it's tearing.
And I wonder if I will ever be fine.
Yes, I wonder if I will ever smile again.

Oh I wish the wind would just carry me
Home, because I don't belong here no.

....oh I wish. "Carry Me" Olivia Milershin