...tearing at the seams.

 

...seeking solace.

 When change arrives in life we struggle, deny, reason and finally accept it, trying to carry on, carry a resemblance of normalcy and hold to what we think is what we need in life. The mind and heart continue screaming at each other, bitterness and disappointment with an emptiness I had hoped to have forgotten by now. Once again facing the realization that things will never be what I wanted and needing to move on. It is painful. Its carving an all to familiar void in my heart, but its necessary. Regret? A two sided coin indeed. Graced with emotions from one extreme to the other. The heart, not aware of the subtle lies it tells itself but wont admit to, still races on. Its oblivious to the end result ahead and the mind being helpless can only brace.  

Then the inevitable hits..repeatedly, deeper each time, each memory. Punishment of sorts, mine and mine alone to endure. Realization hits harder than anything, leaving no more than futile reasoning at "why" and "what". Now just a quiet, deep and hollow emptiness that clings to the senses. The heart and mind are now quiet with now words needed...

 

 

...seeking solace       

....oh I wish.

You said, "There's a place for you up in the sky and next time we meet I know you'll be shining."
But the forces of gravity, uncertainty, self doubt, they pushed me back down to the ground right where I started.

Oh I wish the wind would just carry me
home, because I don't belong here, no.

I know there's a place for me out in this world, but I got lost I'm just a guy. I'm fearful but learning.
And I don't want anyone to see me break, because I'm held together with string and lately it's tearing.
And I wonder if I will ever be fine.
Yes, I wonder if I will ever smile again.

Oh I wish the wind would just carry me
Home, because I don't belong here no.

....oh I wish. "Carry Me" Olivia Milershin

All these faded pictures I save in the corners of my mind. They call in waves to take me away, I won’t be back tonight… 

 ...And I breathe, the sights, that we left behind. When I dream, those nights, will always be mine. 

And I feel as years unfold that we are still connected, to those days when we were young and you were my reflection..

 

 And I still come back to you..

 

 And you are my reflection...

 

 

...where to from here.

 ...another day faded into evening and another day of uncertainty at an end. Nightfall brings another tapestry of remembrance and how that time has slipped away from me. I have no anchor and the compass spins, having lost my true north. Regret, wishing apologies could be passed on and just maybe forgiveness, if any, obtained but time doesn't allow for this. Sometimes you don't get to share the enlightenment of your wrongs trying to be made right. Somethings can't be fixed nor need to be revisited, some regret you just have to live with. Years wasted in not knowing what I really wanted nor what I was doing. A perpetual train wreck that never ceased, creating chaos that would revisit me later in life. The outcome? Being well beyond solitude and into being alone. For almost 20 years this blog, like me, has been a work in progress. What I thought was progress was nothing more than me stumbling through relationships, friendships to now find myself in this self made world of mind games of middle age remorse. Even with all that's been said and done there remains a small amount of hope. 

 

...where to from here.