Pain

Waved into my rear view mirror when I drove away, thought I'd see you again.
Fought a bitter sweet battle after that, hearts unraveled within.
I left a piece of me with you back there said "I'd return and we'd start"
But for you the days to grew long and ya soon strung another heart..soon strung another heart.

Pain, Its all I have of you 
Pain, but I'll hold on cause when its gone afraid you'll be gone too. 

Times its been bitter, its been cold but I've basked in the glory of the sun.
I've danced in the rain that disguised my tears when I thought that you were the one.

Blindsided, bulldozed, left empty, is there's no life in this ache?
Cause I was left confused hurt abandoned but it wasn't more than I could take, wasn't more than I could take.

Pain, Its all I have of you 
Pain, I'll hold on cause when its gone afraid you'll be gone too. 

Few times Ive ran through this rubble each time grew a thicker skin.
Looking through the other side of trouble, saying "I'm not gonna do that again".
You can play others hearts like a fiddle. Maybe they'll sing to your tune.
I wont be stuck in the middle with them stitches in a open wound
Flesh it fell apart to soon, split apart to soon.


Pain, Its all I have of you 
Pain, I'll hold on cause when its gone afraid you'll be gone too.

...revisiting.

 It's been over a year since I have been here, been in my thoughts, almost like a forgotten room in a house suddenly open to the light. Many years have passed since my time began here. Looking around, still so many scattered memories not dealt with and lessons of the heart and mind still not put away for good. I find myself thinking maybe its time to begin again. For now? Sitting here just thinking am I strong enough to do so....

 

...revisiting...

...been here before.

 Been here before. I know the drill. My fault from the beginning. More times than not I have to walk away from what I should have never walked towards to begin with. Nothing more than being re-reminded again.

....Faded.

  

"You were the shadow to my light, did you feel us? Another start, you fade away. Afraid our aim is out of sight, wanna see us, alight"...

Where are you now...

Was it all in my fantasy, 

Where are you now, 

Were you only imaginary.

So lost....

I'm fading......

Alan Walker "Faded"

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How the heart remembers, how it idealizes someone, the moment, every moment, the love it clung ever so tightly to and now looks back having a forced moment of clarity. A difficult reconciling in how it felt back then to now...recognizing its denial and that time is what it is, gone.  

Memories passing by. "Was it all in my fantasy, were you imaginary"
With a gentle goodbye it comes to an end, the heart being silent and the mind begins the process of sorting through the emotions, memories, slowly filing away and locking away every piece it collects. Finality starts a new thread, a new line of thought. A slow healing will begin eventually, but for now the realization, doubt, that maybe it was all in my mind, but the heart still yearned for how it felt once, what it wanted now. The mind, knowing the price to be paid would be quick and painful, can only stand and watch not wanting to accept that it could've possibly intervened. The heart being addicted to the emotions it felt then and wanting yet again hoping that the other also felt something special. Time brings more clarity, going from all things anew to slowly being faded and with this a healing begins.  

"I'm letting go, a deeper dive".  

The mind now simply sits quietly, taking in everything and is lost for now.

 

Faded.......

 

...tearing at the seams.