Dont read to deeply, you may become lost like me....

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

...still here.

 A beautiful afternoon spent traveling around looking at the rolling countryside taking pictures. The sun begins to slip toward the horizon and I have yet to find a spot to shoot my ending images for the day. Then I remembered a perfect spot to shoot from. the warm evening air feels good blowing across the fields. As the sun goes down the nightlights began to twinkle on, you pull me off to one side and began to point out the lights of small towns several miles in the distance. You name the places now visible by eveningfall and the lights coming to life.... A train eases past us on a nearby track, having sneaked up on me and I complain as I am not set up for it and miss the shot. You smile at me, amused, and I cant help but laugh at myself. The train slowly moves on and fades into the darkness, its whistle announcing it has finally made it home and will rest. The stars are coming out one by one. I stand still and look at the beauty that is before me, reliving the day. I turn to you and you simply stare at me with a subtle smile, hand resting on my arm and then........

A entry from back in February 3rd of 2009. I still remember that dream as if I had just awakened from it. To this day I still do not know who she was. She still graces my dreams. Still a mystery.

...still here.  

Sunday, March 4, 2018

...lost.

Almost two months since my last entry. I once put words to "paper" almost every night and without hardly an effort. Tonight? Standing still this evening watching a moon slowly rise out my window. Thoughts come and go and in no particular order other than reminders of a life of "if only". Wanting to forget this last year and start over but that is something we aren't allowed to do. We stop, reassess and slowly move forward. Trying to find my direction as something is amiss and I cant put my finger on it.. Frustrating... So many things to say, images coming to mind in search of a caption, a perfect phrase. Tonight like so many so many nights I do not know how to put things in order,  from my thoughts to here. Then the moment of realization...


I have lost my muse.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

...nothing but time.

I don't need a reminder of how I got here. I don't need to relive or retrace my steps to this juncture in life. I have memorized the entire map, lived the entire map. Now?  I have no choice but to sit , be still and do nothing but look back at the map and finally see it with eyes wide open. I cant move forward, I cant be as I once was. "I cant".... Something I am not use to having to say..but it is par for the course now. Once I had it all and all under control. I knew what was best and knew what was needed or so I thought. Now? Not....A....Clue. Realizing that a smile is nothing more than skin deep and pure treachery when indulged. The heart knows no better. Bitter? I try not to be, as I would have not seen myself and would have continued blindly along my way had not this befallen me. Tonight I sit frustrated due to not healing. I want normal back. But I know not what normal is now. Yes time is the enemy again. Ebbing and flowing at its own pace, nether speeding or slowing for anyone. Once again learning to let time have its perfect work. the right way is the hardest sometimes. Tonight it slams home again. Good days and bad days it seems. Rising above but sometimes not high enough it seems...only time will allow this breakaway. 

...nothing but time.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Once and again.

Never said it was easy. Never has been but from time to time things fall into place. Unfortunately that time isn't now. Another Christmas has came and went. Family and a few friends nothing big, but their smiles are always welcome and cherished. Plenty of time for reflection and planning. Many things in flux for the new year. Its like pulling on the handle on a slot machine and waiting....and waiting. My thoughts have been so scattered that my writings don't come as easily if at all these days. Sitting staring at the screen with so much on my mind but things get lost from my mind to the keyboard. Only felt and not being able to convey. I could easily blame someone of recent memory but I have to be honest with myself. I was headed this way well over a year ago. Many realizations of myself this year. Wondering if the mental chains that bind are for my own good or a self imposed prison sentence. I realize the good that has come out of this year as well as the bad. Bad choices in life can really shake you to your core. Slowly learning to "trust myself" is slowly coming back. Learning to trust others not so much. Slowly a depressing "why bother" tries to seep in, but in the end its all good I guess. I will keep the wall fortified and smile as I pass through this life. One step at a time. One smile at a time. 

Once and again...

Thursday, November 9, 2017

...one way to find out.

...time passes and a month already gone since my last entry. Behind me is almost a thousand miles of back roads and new memories made, all seen and felt in one week. It was good to get out and rediscover places so familiar and dear. Tonight I sit thinking about me, about how I have tried to hold on to so much that needs to be let go. Now, more and more is being let go. Looking back over my past writings and wondering what has changed as the feeling is very different. Far removed from what it was only 2 short years ago. Jaded, Hurt, Failure, selfishness, all these descriptions come to mind. While riding through the mountains of Tennessee it was a welcome feeling to feel the "old me" slowly reappear. Being that man from the past years, with his cameras, and that feeling That I could rule the world or so it seemed. Looking for and getting the shots I sought for. The wayfarer I once was and was now again for the first time in a long time. New memories being made, landscapes rediscovered and for once all was right in my world. The weather ever changing and matching my mood and thoughts. Watching the rain gently fall across the Blue Ridge, fog creeping down the mountains towards me in the valley as if to welcome a long lost friend. It's embrace only a photographer can understand. Silently waiting for the evening to arrive as the clouds clear and I am under a blanket of stars with a moon, standing on a back road shooting the heavens as the chill of autumn seeps into me and with it a long sought clarity at last. Days pass as do the miles. Friendly faces, new made friends and life behind the lens is lived one click at the time. I have been mistaken in my reasoning of my inability to move forward. After this much needed trip I see I am doing fine. I am just going about this journey the right way now, not as before. Still a Wayfarer and still in a Wayfarers journey. As for the future. She is out there. But its not up to me to bring about this meeting. Time, patience and a higher power will work their perfect work. Till then? Where does this new back road go to...one way to find out.