Tuesday, February 19, 2019

...right here waiting.

Day by day. Expectations balanced on reality. Watching from afar and knowing things are the same and as they should be. A smile from within and the years fade with choices made and time moves us along. Tonight, I finally have time to stop and try to find some familiar music and put my thoughts into perspective. Still amazes me how thoughts once flowed so easily and now things seem to be in a bottleneck of sorts. Walking so carefully now, not trusting others or my own judgment. Repeating mistakes over the years and expecting different outcomes and now seeing everything so clearly. Realizing the hurt I caused others and myself. Stumbling through life with a sense of thinking I knew what I was doing and setting myself up for failure. Finally I am where I need to be and should have been a long time ago. Better late than never. Waiting now for that that I seek. Patience never used before, now a saving grace. Looking back at what could have been one to many times, to what is and now what can be. Bitter sweetness remains but now a clean and final slate to be written. Even now as this blog continues, the reason it was created remains a constant. Someone said goodbye. Even through all the chaos I still remain...

...right here waiting.

Monday, December 31, 2018

...once and again.

...I don't post much as I once did. Twenty years have brought so many changes in my life. "Blessed' is an understatement of sorts. Easy for me to get distracted by past events in my life but slowly seeing a much bigger picture now. 2019 is a few hours a way followed by a birthday marking 51 solar cycles here on earth. Gone is the love struck thirty something idealist of true love, and the adventure of finding "the one" that goes along with it. Twenty years and this blog is still here and so am I. Still here sitting in front of a screen thinking and typing. Not that that there wasn't joy and happiness during this time. There was, prices paid and lessons learned. Now realizing that I didn't know as much as what I thought I did and that people aren't what they seem to be sometimes. I have been to the edge of the abyss and walked back, knowing its not the answer. Within all this so many memories with tears and smiles to go with each. 2018 has been a year of change for me and I can say for the better. Wishing I could go back and change so much, a smile here and an many apologies there. Turning 51 isn't about wondering "if i still got it", its all about having whats needful and being humble, thankful and content with what I have. 

Happy New year...once and again. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

...to late.

      ..sometimes its just to late.
To late to say goodbye..
 To late to say I am sorry..
  To late to say I was wrong..
   To late to say I was right
    To late for the apology..
     To late to be the man wish I could have been..
      To late to be the man I thought I was.
       To late to realize you weren't who I thought you were..
       To late to to never have met you..
      To late to have just kept walking..
     To late to have made different choices in life..
    To late to just think with the my head and not my heart..
   To late for "what if's"..
  To late for "if only"..
 To late to trust.. 
To late for everything..


Friday, November 16, 2018

....and again.

"When I shut my eyes I still feel you in my arms and it's you I want, but I can't have you, not this time." 

...all I have tonight.


Wednesday, September 26, 2018

...opened my eyes.......finally.

    "I was thinking bout her, thinkin' bout me
    Thinkin' bout us, what we gon' be;
    Open my eyes yeah, it was only Just A Dream
    So I traveled back, down that road
    Will she come back, no one knows


                   Realizing whatever dreams may come they are still that, dreams. Been working on erasing the past, image by image. Taking the notes and lessons to heart. A battle of inches it seems. As time passes a numbness settles in. A welcome relief of sorts. Haven't felt this in a many years and a comfortable feeling at that. Clean slate finally laid before me. Just a few more days to begin writing a new chapter for a new life..

...opened my eyes..finally.