I don't need a reminder of how I got here. I don't need to relive or retrace my steps to this juncture in life. I have memorized the entire map, lived the entire map. Now? I have no choice but to sit , be still and do nothing but look back at the map and finally see it with eyes wide open. I cant move forward, I cant be as I once was. "I cant".... Something I am not use to having to say..but it is par for the course now. Once I had it all and all under control. I knew what was best and knew what was needed or so I thought. Now? Not....A....Clue. Realizing that a smile is nothing more than skin deep and pure treachery when indulged. The heart knows no better. Bitter? I try not to be, as I would have not seen myself and would have continued blindly along my way had not this befallen me. Tonight I sit frustrated due to not healing. I want normal back. But I know not what normal is now. Yes time is the enemy again. Ebbing and flowing at its own pace, nether speeding or slowing for anyone. Once again learning to let time have its perfect work. the right way is the hardest sometimes. Tonight it slams home again. Good days and bad days it seems. Rising above but sometimes not high enough it seems...only time will allow this breakaway.
...nothing but time.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Never said it was easy. Never has been but from time to time things fall into place. Unfortunately that time isn't now. Another Christmas has came and went. Family and a few friends nothing big, but their smiles are always welcome and cherished. Plenty of time for reflection and planning. Many things in flux for the new year. Its like pulling on the handle on a slot machine and waiting....and waiting. My thoughts have been so scattered that my writings don't come as easily if at all these days. Sitting staring at the screen with so much on my mind but things get lost from my mind to the keyboard. Only felt and not being able to convey. I could easily blame someone of recent memory but I have to be honest with myself. I was headed this way well over a year ago. Many realizations of myself this year. Wondering if the mental chains that bind are for my own good or a self imposed prison sentence. I realize the good that has come out of this year as well as the bad. Bad choices in life can really shake you to your core. Slowly learning to "trust myself" is slowly coming back. Learning to trust others not so much. Slowly a depressing "why bother" tries to seep in, but in the end its all good I guess. I will keep the wall fortified and smile as I pass through this life. One step at a time. One smile at a time.
Once and again...
Once and again...
Thursday, November 9, 2017
...time passes and a month already gone since my last entry. Behind me is almost a thousand miles of back roads and new memories made, all seen and felt in one week. It was good to get out and rediscover places so familiar and dear. Tonight I sit thinking about me, about how I have tried to hold on to so much that needs to be let go. Now, more and more is being let go. Looking back over my past writings and wondering what has changed as the feeling is very different. Far removed from what it was only 2 short years ago. Jaded, Hurt, Failure, selfishness, all these descriptions come to mind. While riding through the mountains of Tennessee it was a welcome feeling to feel the "old me" slowly reappear. Being that man from the past years, with his cameras, and that feeling That I could rule the world or so it seemed. Looking for and getting the shots I sought for. The wayfarer I once was and was now again for the first time in a long time. New memories being made, landscapes rediscovered and for once all was right in my world. The weather ever changing and matching my mood and thoughts. Watching the rain gently fall across the Blue Ridge, fog creeping down the mountains towards me in the valley as if to welcome a long lost friend. It's embrace only a photographer can understand. Silently waiting for the evening to arrive as the clouds clear and I am under a blanket of stars with a moon, standing on a back road shooting the heavens as the chill of autumn seeps into me and with it a long sought clarity at last. Days pass as do the miles. Friendly faces, new made friends and life behind the lens is lived one click at the time. I have been mistaken in my reasoning of my inability to move forward. After this much needed trip I see I am doing fine. I am just going about this journey the right way now, not as before. Still a Wayfarer and still in a Wayfarers journey. As for the future. She is out there. But its not up to me to bring about this meeting. Time, patience and a higher power will work their perfect work. Till then? Where does this new back road go to...one way to find out.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
October is here and soon I will be on the road to parts unknown. Looking forward to discovery and solitude of a long forgotten back road. Going back over my blog and time, it is passing. Looking back on my life I see mistakes made once to often and not learning from them as I didn't want to learn from them. I knew what I was doing. Now? There is a price to pay for getting what you want and not what you need. I am finally learning this. There is hurt in life as well as joy. Love and loss and then discovery. Not knowing where to go or where to turn is actually a benefit of sorts. I have always been on "my time", what I wanted, as if I am somehow owed due to being wronged in the past, maybe due to letting go when I should have held on. Time passes and wrong choices slowly begin to catch up with me as the heart soul and mind pay the price. again, all my fault. Carelessly stumbling through life with no direction until finally I lost myself. Vulnerable and reaching out and being taken advantage of and deservedly so. Coming face to face with with pure beauty and pure evil and all in the same smile. How did I get here, here to this point and so far from the person I once was. The answer is bit by bit and step by step, becoming untrue to oneself is a very slippery slope. The carnage as well as the healing will not happen overnight, but at least now the carnage is stopped and the healing is a welcome feeling indeed. With the healing comes learning to trust. Trusting myself which I still don't and trusting others so in the end I have learned one thing...sometimes..
........when we lose we win.
........when we lose we win.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
It was good to see you again. A dream within a dream. Your smile remains even after all this time. Walking slowly with you, holding you and all the while knowing I was on borrowed time. An embrace then a kiss and then my eyes open to see the sun rising outside. I close my eyes again trying to remember everything and all that you said. I havent seen you in quite some time so tonights visit was a surprise. Thoughts race, seeking to find a question being asked, maybe a hidden message I need. Maybe just a moment of happiness in a memory and reality that is far from what my world is today. Yes, feeling that flood of emotions past was nice but bittersweet. Much needed help with the numbness and lack of direction. To feel this love is a gift, and encouragement to continue and have faith. Now? One day at a time. One step at a time. Healing ... Encouragement from an unexpected place.