Dont read to deeply, you may become lost like me....

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Sunday, September 17, 2017

...counting the days.

Another evening and I sit in front of my computer. Staring at the keyboard and letting the mind take the reins and see where it may lead. Eagerly awaiting the cool autumn chill ahead as it always seems to awaken the senses and help the mind clear. Looking at the last entry and see that 4 weeks have since passed and for the better. My road trip did me much good. Watching the miles pass and slowly bit by bit, around each curve and hill a little piece of me was found. Memories pondered others finally laid to rest. Sometimes forgotten back roads make the best friends. Looking forward for another chance to once again visit long lost roads and under the color of Fall. Healing one step, one moment at a time. Memories come to visit at eveningfall, but I am not ready. Yet alone and still numb. Perhaps one day this will change but for now I concentrate and the journey and not destination. 

.....For now just counting the days.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

..Waiting silently

Tonight finds my mind and heart at odds with each other. No surprise as this is a constant in my life. More times than not when they are at odds there is a peace of some sort but peace is long gone. Wounds that refuse to heal, exacerbated by costly and foolish mistakes made one to many times. Frustrated at my inability to move forward. An ordinary life seems so elusive and seems to be a nonexistent choice for me. This year has flown by so quickly and I have nothing to show for it other than more scars. As the days have passed it seems my drive and energy have passed with it. The open road is calling in a few days with photography work and sadly I have to force myself to do that which I once loved and lived for. Is it the need for someone to be with me or the need to be needed or to have someone regardless? Having mistaken love for lust one to many times and again pieces of me are taken and wasted. In the end its nobody's fault but mine. Trying to slowly calibrate over time and see what is real and what is not real. Finally reaching the point in my life that I have absolutely no idea nor clue of what I am doing. At this point in my life I have no direction, no true north. 

Waiting silently.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

...exit stage right.

Only appearing when never looking or that's what the heart tries to convince the mind of. The mind has no choice but to follow where the heart leads. Something new something, undiscovered and the intoxicating journey begins anew. Elsewhere the sting of simple words and awkward situation, knowing the truth before they were spoken. Lesson I needed to relearn. Expecting to much from someone and not enough from myself? No, just a bit of hope misplaced. Hope is a dangerous thing regardless of the intent. Finally taking time to fully and truly realize that my desired outcome was not shared, so no more putting myself into this position again. Placing myself into something where it shouldn't have been, as it was never there to begin with. All my expectations, large and small and also unfounded. Never the right time, stars not aligning, so many reasons come and go and now its just time for me to go. That decision was made for me and needfully so. Time to separate the mind and heart and watch the scenery pass by for a while. Wayfarers journey indeed.

 Exit stage right.  

Friday, June 30, 2017