Dont read to deeply, you may become lost like me....

Monday, March 13, 2017

....guess it wasn't me.

...once in a lifetime a second chance passes by. From hurting to numbness to slowly healing and then a subtle smile within. Memories come to play in the glow of candlelight as eveningfall visits once again. Tonight I sit watching the flame dance, an ebb and flow of time and the memories that weave in and out of my heart.
   Remembering when time first stood still and how the pain that awaited a naive heart in the end was worth such a moment. Staring into the eyes of a treasure and I was lost. Moonlit shadows across a sleeping face, realizing for the first time in my life what a wayfarers heart must endure as she said goodbye and my journey would begin. Happiness to be found in another life, down another path.
  Wayfarers journey, wayfarers heart. Never ending, always curious to what is around the next bend in the road. Yet always just beyond sight, beyond reach so another step is taken and must be followed by another. For a reason or for a season. Missteps made, mistakes with no recourse other than to let go and walk away without looking back. Hellos followed by a goodbye and then left to hold what little is left remaining of a heart. Love finds a way as it always does. Embracing its fury and gentleness, holding on day after day. Solitude begets fortitude. Not counting the full cost until I counted the tears on both sides of a final goodbye. No recourse, no forgiveness allowed when walking away from a first love.
  Slowly a heart grows old and cold, allows the current to carry it where it may. Friends offer solace and a smile as time passes. Distancing myself as yet another goodbye leaves another scar to match so many I have created. The blame finds itself at home within a heart that knows nothing other than blame and regret. Late night conversations, fellow wayfarers finding solace, sharing an encouraging word by a fire of a different kind. Standing outside the circle watching and listening to others who share their testimony of their journeys. Asked to share mine and I have nothing, nothing to give as I am empty. Recalling words spoken subtly...Then somewhere, distant a voice like mine, a heart to match scar for scar, regret for regret. Reaching out a final time before closing the door. Words softly spoken, never having been more wrong in a lifetime yet right in their purpose and outcome.

"I guess it wasn't me". was, it is and it always shall be you.

Friday, January 27, 2017

...a wayfarers journey.

Warming by a fire within. Now as the fire dies, another memory is gently added to bring back its radiance and warmth. Watching the memory slowly consumed and then another to replace it. Goodbyes and greetings, letting go and letting in. Wayfarers journey indeed. Distant smiles, laughter and the compass slowly swings north. Each step brings me farther from the known and closer to the unknown. Memories seeking an audience with the heart but it no longer heeds their call and silently looks on at the passing landscape. The mind, silent as well, watching and knowing that so many miles have passed, each a memory in its own right and so many yet to be made, now beckon from beyond a distant horizon. Time. It must be given for such a perfect work, then all will be answered. For the first time in a while, a subtle smile. 

...a wayfarers journey

Tuesday, January 17, 2017 more.

..risking it all in a glance. Something catches the inner eye, a fleeting image of something lost long ago or maybe something now found again. Wondering still and wandering as much. Seeking a true and final north for my compass, a home for the heart. Reliving the past over, reminded of what I walked away from when I should have stayed. Now, to seek answers or find all the questions I need to ask. Fate, coincidence or just another moment to be lived and then allow it to fade away, a sweet memory and it be yet another new lesson learned. Intrigued as to what is slowly coming into focus into view. Time bids me to wait with patience and I complain not as I expect so little these days. More familiar to pain from my mistakes but for now a gentle voice, trusting bit by bit.
   Silently nursing wounds caused by an all too familiar mistake from me. Trying to think a future can be built on memories from the past. The heart convinced in its ability to do so, the mind silent, knowing the outcome and knowing the heart not to be rational and listen. Regardless what the heart feels I knew I was in the wrong, but still tried even knowing the probable outcome. Selfish in doing so and rightfully bearing another scar for it. Reaching out while going under. Chaos subsides and finally a sense of balance now restored, moving forward to the last page. Memories so bittersweet are read and still cherished. But now the cover slowly closes as the final chapter has been written with the final verse carved into stone.

 There Is No "Unfinished Business" Any Longer. more.

Thursday, January 5, 2017 step at a time.

A chance encounter. Distance an enemy but maybe a needed protection. Eyes of blue that give way to so many questions begging be answered. But for now as the cannons of past battles are empty and her memories once again remain the only victim of a July day so many years ago. The memories that ring the truest and loudest still remain unanswered and deepest in my mind. Who are you. step at a time.

Thursday, December 29, 2016 need.

.. watching another moment in time come to pass. New year ahead and with it challenges and uncertainty. In hindsight nothing changes, except I am older and finally thinking I understand the mistakes I have made and brought me to this point in life. Much time it has cost me and so much of me has been lost as well. My writings would come a lot easier and now I face the realization that I am empty. All that's felt now seems impossible to put into words like I once did with ease. In the final tally of "he said/she said" its my fault. Borrowing happiness each day and running a tab up of "what may be one day." A jar of hearts was something I found myself collecting years ago. In the search for my happiness it slowly turned into something selfish and self centered, not realizing the hurt I was causing. I guess what I gave then, I now receive in return. Its understandable and deserving to be here considering that. Seems so much is clear to the mind and heart. Both silent, humbled and alone. I have written about many things over the yeas but never from a position I find myself in now. A ship with no anchors or anchors dragging with nothing to grab hold of. At this point the verdict isn't in but the result is the same. So many names over the years and I blamed so much on so many when the blame was a lot closer to home in most cases, looking at me from the mirror. I have been my own worst enemy, more so than I could have realized. need.