October is here and soon I will be on the road to parts unknown. Looking forward to discovery and solitude of a long forgotten back road. Going back over my blog and time, it is passing. Looking back on my life I see mistakes made once to often and not learning from them as I didn't want to learn from them. I knew what I was doing. Now? There is a price to pay for getting what you want and not what you need. I am finally learning this. There is hurt in life as well as joy. Love and loss and then discovery. Not knowing where to go or where to turn is actually a benefit of sorts. I have always been on "my time", what I wanted, as if I am somehow owed due to being wronged in the past, maybe due to letting go when I should have held on. Time passes and wrong choices slowly begin to catch up with me as the heart soul and mind pay the price. again, all my fault. Carelessly stumbling through life with no direction until finally I lost myself. Vulnerable and reaching out and being taken advantage of. deservedly so. Coming face to face with with pure beauty and pure evil and all in the same smile. How did I get here, here to this point and so far from the person I once was. The answer is bit by bit and step by step, becoming untrue to oneself is a very slippery slope. The carnage as well as the healing didn't and doesn't happen overnight. but at least now the carnage is stopped and healing is a welcome feeling indeed. With the healing comes learning to trust. Trusting myself which I still don't and trusting others so in the end I have learned one thing...sometimes..
........when we lose we win.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
It was good to see you again. A dream within a dream. Your smile remains even after all this time. Walking slowly with you, holding you and all the while knowing I was on borrowed time. An embrace then a kiss and then my eyes open to see the sun rising outside. I close my eyes again trying to remember everything and all that you said. I havent seen you in quite some time so tonights visit was a surprise. Thoughts race, seeking to find a question being asked, maybe a hidden message I need. Maybe just a moment of happiness in a memory and reality that is far from what my world is today. Yes, feeling that flood of emotions past was nice but bittersweet. Much needed help with the numbness and lack of direction. To feel this love is a gift, and encouragement to continue and have faith. Now? One day at a time. One step at a time. Healing ... Encouragement from an unexpected place.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Another evening and I sit in front of my computer. Staring at the keyboard and letting the mind take the reins and see where it may lead. Eagerly awaiting the cool autumn chill ahead as it always seems to awaken the senses and help the mind clear. Looking at the last entry and see that 4 weeks have since passed and for the better. My road trip did me much good. Watching the miles pass and slowly bit by bit, around each curve and hill a little piece of me was found. Memories pondered others finally laid to rest. Sometimes forgotten back roads make the best friends. Looking forward for another chance to once again visit long lost roads and under the color of Fall. Healing one step, one moment at a time. Memories come to visit at eveningfall, but I am not ready. Yet alone and still numb. Perhaps one day this will change but for now I concentrate and the journey and not destination.
.....For now just counting the days.
.....For now just counting the days.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Tonight finds my mind and heart at odds with each other. No surprise as this is a constant in my life. More times than not when they are at odds there is a peace of some sort but peace is long gone. Wounds that refuse to heal, exacerbated by costly and foolish mistakes made one to many times. Frustrated at my inability to move forward. An ordinary life seems so elusive and seems to be a nonexistent choice for me. This year has flown by so quickly and I have nothing to show for it other than more scars. As the days have passed it seems my drive and energy have passed with it. The open road is calling in a few days with photography work and sadly I have to force myself to do that which I once loved and lived for. Is it the need for someone to be with me or the need to be needed or to have someone regardless? Having mistaken love for lust one to many times and again pieces of me are taken and wasted. In the end its nobody's fault but mine. Trying to slowly calibrate over time and see what is real and what is not real. Finally reaching the point in my life that I have absolutely no idea nor clue of what I am doing. At this point in my life I have no direction, no true north.