Monday, May 30, 2011 place here now.

Starting over..... Slowly the mind clears and the road ahead comes into focus. Trying to regain my footing and I slip. I am so eager to begin anew but I cant fool myself. I am not ready and I am really hurting. Eight years ago I came off the greatest hurt I have ever known. It took years to learn and heal and now? A week ago that hurt was eclipsed ten fold. Did I really think I was just gonna up and walk away? Guess I wanted and planned to.....God I am trying to act like nothing is wrong, show a smile but I am dying inside. I never wanted to feel this again and now I have no choice in the matter. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I can only stand and endure. I never thought I could love someone as much, to feel true happiness and I certainly never thought I would have to say goodbye again, even as a friend. During the day I am fine, braving the world with a smile and strength abounds inside. But then eveningfall comes and insecurities, memories come to play taunt, tease and torture me. Goodbye rings loudly in my ears.

People have come and gone in my life and even now there are those that seek my attention and affections. I have tried to move forward, to begin the healing process one smile at a time. But tonight I have realized that I cant. I am wounded and I am trying
to rush the healing process. Lessons from years past will serve me well and one being time heals all. You cant speed up the process but you can hinder it greatly and will live the same hurt over and over again. Love was found and lost to recently. The feelings and moments still linger, though no chance of returning remains as I will never allow such hurt again. Choices doubly made render all questions answered. Yes love remained and slowly fades as the days come and go.

For the first time in my adult life I am afraid. I am afraid to even contemplate being happy or finding another. I have no desire for it it now and this bothers me greatly. But the mind and heart agree it isn't in their power to change this. Until the loss and regret subside I cant nor have room inside for another. I have tried, tried to open my mind and heart. Using a rationale o
f sorts. Telling myself it was never what I thought it to be. Nothing more than a mere illusion. But I need to begin shutting down for the foreseeable future. Solitude is being sought and will be found. Smiles shall find a place one day but for now all is becoming quiet as locks are being placed and memories, moments are being locked away........ Love has, in all its pureness.... place here now.

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