torture..

...face to face with what you possibly seek, but only the outside is known. The heart remains and belongs to another. Wonders that peer through eyes of sadness and for what end to they come for or bear witness to. To see and not have is a tortuous life. Places and faces and still in the end emptiness is a close friend. Easy for one to embrace and fulfill all they had hoped and wished for, as a retreat awaits them and I have nothing to fall back on and face the familiar embrace of "what was" and maybe what could have been in another life another path taken. Now? Why I am allowed something like this is beyond my understanding and it turns my reasoning upside down. Trying to find my way through this riddle and yet my beacon has been moved under the cover of a smile and warm embrace. The mind and heart look at each other and haven't a reason nor offer an excuse for this insane situation. I have been down this path before and nothing good ever comes of it in the long run..The ending is always the same and I am the loser on all counts. I belong to no one and answer to myself when reasons concerning the heart comes into play..Others answer to the one they chose long ago, long before me. So where does this leave me? On the outside...wondering why. To have something before its time will do nothing more than place a blight upon that which I might love one day. In my life I have held a dream made flesh. I have lost my thoughts and composure with nothing more than her smile. I also said goodbye to this and have lived with the regret and shame for several years. If I am given the chance, counted worthy again I will never let go of the next dream God affords me, I will never say goodbye. But before this can happen I have come to realize something tonight and for the first time. For this to happen...Someone, somewhere must say goodbye as well...

Torture...