wondering..

..Lots of things I need to say but as it is sometimes, everything refuses to come out and so I remain voiceless here tonight. So many things cross my mind. I got back on this "singles merry-go-round" over two years ago and I want off. I want my ordinary life back. Being single in your 40's makes you feel like a cast off in some ways or I should say it makes me feel that way. Maybe I just want it to much. I try not to but when friends are constantly reminding you of the fact that your single, it doesn't help at all. Yes, I am very aware I am single thank you very much! There are days I am glad i am and there are days I am alone and it hits hard and deep. I must be forcing it. Trying to hard, but when can it be considered trying to hard when your not making a conscious effort to date anyone?(If you have the answer to that one feel free to leave a comment or email.) Have I met this person or not? I am blind in so many ways, but then again even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.

I have dreamed of this person or should I say of someone that represents her. This dream started in 1998. I feel that I have met her once already and said goodbye to her and since that day have regretted what I did. I have so yearned for that again. While I have been freed from that prison . I feel that she is out there once again. Waiting for me and I her. I will say when I first met the person mentioned in the links above, I knew she was the one. There was no doubt. Now? I haven't a clue no idea of direction or what i need to do, so I remain still and silent and put out a smile for the world to see. On the inside? I feel myself growing older and colder..fading away yet hoping to radiate once again one day. Today I look at the calender and I see only ten days left before I leave to travel to the mountains of my home state for fellowship and kayaking with friends. As it is always when I travel there I will journey to my "fortress of solitude" and sit on the edge of it's precipice and watch the sun slowly set.......

"....wondering"