Saturday, December 12, 2009

slow motion..

Once again I have sat here and typed and typed only to delete everything. Nothing is coming easy for me tonight. I have just finished up two months worth of photography work for my company and the road trips are over. It was the one thing keeping my mind busy, giving it little time to wander off and look for things to get into with its best friend, my heart. Them two deviants have gotten me into an abundance of trouble this year..Most of the time the mind argues with the heart and they balance each other out. Common sense against emotional reaction, but when they start to agree its never a good thing or at least this year it hasn't been. This year has seen me on the down side more than the up side. Stress from my job, deadlines, so many things beyond my control. Married or divorced, stress doesn't care..
I have sat here tonight trying to figure out how to put into words something that happened to me. I have written so many times of saying goodbye of letting go and the pain that comes with it. I sit here tonight reliving that pain as memories come to play of what love, true love, really felt like long ago. The first time she took my hand in hers and laid her head on my shoulder. No words needed, my heart racing. Watching the rain slowly fall across a mountain lake, two souls whispering, laughing, promises made but in the end promises never kept and the words "I love you" never to be said again. The page slowly turns and the final chapter is written.
---------Years pass and suddenly a "hello"-------------
This is what I have sought since that day years ago. That special someone that creates a whole new world when they are near you. Vowing never to say goodbye once they are found. Time heals the wounds which it chooses, which it deems most important. A evening ago I held you close, not wanting to let go, your hear pounding in time with mine. Never thinking this would ever happen again, seeing in your blue eyes the light, the love and fire my heart missed for so long. Light shining so brightly inside me and for a moment I felt alive. Choices made, roads taken and there's nothing within my power to change this. I stand within, without. Your essence wrapped so tightly around me, through me. So many things I want to say to you but none are allowed. You cant be mine while with another. So tonight I sit here, wondering, trying to make sense of everything. The pain of goodbye from long ago flows through my veins. Memories cascade one after another in my mind. No answers for now, just pain...bitter taste to my soul..

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