Thursday, September 10, 2009 what?

I have sat here tonight and tried to place words into something that would convey thoughts but I sit here continually erasing everything I place on the screen. So much for fancy words or phrases that contain multiple meanings, its time for just plan speak tonight..
A few months ago I met someone. Someone who shall remain nameless and who is blocked from viewing this blog, someone that hurt me deeper than I have ever been hurt in my life. (Trust me on this, I have been hurt really bad before, but not like this.) How I was hurt doesn't matter. Everyone gets ripped from time to time. Sometimes badly, then again sometimes you can shrug it off and continue. The problem this time? I thought she was the one. I was overjoyed when I met her, everything was falling into place, my family was happy and liked her, even my friends, who skeptical of my past dates, nodded in approval. Time passes and a wedding date was set, it was a wonderful feeling indeed..then in an instant everything changed and came crashing down. The reason isn't important here, the fact is all of a sudden I found empty, hurting and full of anger, lots of anger. The type of anger brought on by betrayal.. Everything I had felt for this person was gone, killed, dead, "ain't coming back". I moved on, dated some and was able to shrug it off, or so I thought. Months later A switch was thrown, stopped me dead in my tracks..What it boiled down to was that I cant trust what I feel about someone. I thought this person was the right one and that was the farthermost thing from the truth. I never had a problem knowing when someone isn't the right match for me, heck anybody can do that. but now I am afraid, truly afraid to follow my heart or even give it voice anymore. I am afraid for the right one to come along as I don't know if I would recognize her. I am blind and cant see..I now find myself withdrawing inside myself. Locking bits and pieces of me behind doors deep inside me..Numbness setting in..So now all I can do or do for the time being is endure and wait..and wait...Stumbling in the daylight..

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