Thursday, April 30, 2009

lessons learned.....fortress of solitude fallen..

Sometimes we see things in others and are captivated by them and everything about them. Sometimes we know what needs to be done when placed in a situation like this, but prefer the quick and less painful way only to receive the pain or hurt later. This pain being caused by my own hand and no one to blame but myself. Realizing that someone will never feel the same way towards you as you feel about them, is one of the most hurtful things in life. At one time or another we will face it. I faced it this week as I saw something in someone or more to the point wanting to see something with someone, something pure and sincere, but not really there. Wanting something bad enough can cloud judgment as it did mine, but I didn't care. Hoping something would change this. The right words, a forgotten memory..reaching for something but finding nothing to turn the tide. The realization that it isn't there and never will be. A friend till the end being needed but nothing more. My place in a life and I find it an honor to be such..but still in my mind time has stood still and memories remain.. Saying hello again after nine years only to say goodbye to something wanted, but not there but here in my heart.
Alone with my pride or whats left of it...Should have known better but I couldn't go on without knowing. The wondering about the "what if" was slowing eating way at me..In the end? ..No hardness, a message conveyed with a smile and long sincere hug..Soft words spoken and my needful place as a friend in a life softly requested.... A request I cant refuse..

The wind is silent and the sails are brought low...An answer I knew all along but hoping I was wrong. knowing this was going to be the outcome all along.. It really frekkin hurts this time. Nobody to blame but me. While traveling through my hometown nothing felt like home..Just feeling empty inside...A fortress of solitude comes crashing down and I stand in the middle of the debris, picking through the pieces that remain as each piece holds a memory....Time or I should say past time to wipe this slate clean..

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