Thursday, January 1, 2009

Preach on it!

Warning!! Venting tonight...

Awoke this morning to silence. Dreams were confusing last night with no certain theme, everything scattered but I did manage a glimpse of "someone," the same someone who who has remained elusive for the last 10 years. I feel I have lost my focus, lost my center. Not happy with myself or who I am right now. Change is needed in a major way. One step at a time, one day at a time. But with no time to stop and catch my breath right now and I am so tired mentally and physically as I have been sick for a few days. I have run myself into the ground and find no reserves left. Guess I have myself to blame for all this. Gave everything to soon and didn't pace myself, maybe I thought I had more to give. Healing is something I have always tried to rush. Being impatient has cost me dearly and more than once. Think I would have learned my lesson by now. Wearing my heart on my sleeve as usual. Sheesh, I feel like a poster child for the short bus express sometimes. Looking back when I should be looking ahead. Hoping? Wondering, maybe just plain curious. Foolish comes to mind right now. Sitting here tonight with thoughts coming to my mind faster than I can type. So lets just sit back and vent, get everything off my chest tonight.
Tired of "What if" in my life. Problem is is that there will always be a what if. Not possible to choose two paths at the same time. Sometimes I try anyway I guess tonight is one of those nights when you wished for that special someone to be present. I think maybe I have went past the point of wanting to have someone to just "leave me alone." A protection mode for the heart and mind? Maybe a little to cold on the inside for now. Haven't received an email from me or a cute text? Maybe I am tired of trying to get your attention. Tired of wasting energy on you when you have these "hot and cold" moments. Never know what to say or when to say it as I have no idea what the mood is on any given day day.
I am tired of being the "nice guy" and getting dumped on. Never ceases to amaze me how a woman wants the "bad boy" but when they get their feelings hurt they run and find the "nice guy" to cry on their shoulder. But we take it, we are there for this reason. We are "nice guys." To do otherwise is being untrue to ourselves. Still sucks though! Tired of drama in my life. I am the first to offer a sympathetic ear but am I some sort of magnet for this crap? Put your "big person" clothes on and deal with it. Stop coming to us "nice guys" and pouring your soul out to us. We would treat you better than the scum you keep going out with every Friday night and you know it but you still go through this every week and we sit there wanting to tell you so much, but you would never hear it. I speak for all "nice guys" everywhere
Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Truth is all I ever wanted. Why is it so hard to get it out of some people? Convince me... I am feeling this way not because I am mad of what happened but because you were what I wanted and I still cant get a straight answer from you or the full story. Just bits and pierces. Am I writing about you in this section? Yes I am...still waiting too......

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go be a nice guy for someone....

promise to be in a better mood later......

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