Trying to figure out what i am feeling now....tonight. Everything has changed....finality, I guess, has come to play. Yes, even now after all this time everything is final and tonight for some reason it is ripping, tearing my insides apart.
During this last road trip I spent so many miles wondering about myself and where I went wrong. Trying to figure out what to do next. I returned home no closer to the answer than when I left. I passed down forgotten backroads looking, sometimes seeing something in a passing strangers smile or wave as if giving me a gentle prod to continue on. So I continued, not knowing where I was headed. So I sit here tonight, still not knowing where I am headed. Reaching out for the familiar but it is not there anymore and this time isn't nothing like the first time. Waves of differing emotion wash over me at any given moment like a bizarre tide, ebbing and flowing at an irregular whims. I can only stand still, it's all I can or know to do for now. I guess some things in a divorce never change. The loneliness, the "wanting to move on" but the desire not being within a me to do so. Being pulled into so many directions at once. Fighting the urge to pack up everything and leave, move away somewhere different, to start over where nobody knows me or my past....Odd how the heart, most vocal of all during these past few months, is strangely silent now. The mind now finds itself alone to ponder the next move and is clueless of all. The heart has been so quick to run back to the past and try to resurrect old forgotten memories as if it could bring life back to them. Nothing can be gained out of this and the heart knows this and gives up, becoming silent and unresponsive like a scolded child. To many things to think about now. For now I will wear this cloak of loneliness. Its a friend from a long time ago and it fits perfectly. Even though I feel numbed by the everything, the subtle, deep pain inside lets me know I am still alive.
so with this, I stand still and wait.