When is enough, enough? Wondering when things will change. Remaining hopeful and keeping everything in proper context. Sometimes goodbye is not goodbye. Thinking of past encounters and how many times I felt like a fool for indulging the heart one too many times. Such indulgence is risky as someone may take it and not return it.... Funny how some things get more complicated the simpler they seem and the deeper you go...
Words spoken with no way to take them back. Love given but given to soon. Not knowing when love was looking me in the face and chose another path only to realize it and to look behind to see it gone. Not speaking what is burning within, afraid of the outcome or what it might cause, good or bad. Regretting what never was due to indecision and carrying the guilt of this year after year. Feeling like a failure as another marriage fades away and i become a statistic in a book somewhere. Feeling myself grow old and cold deep inside no matter what i do. Working myself silly trying to run from the obvious. Betrayed by my own hand thinking I wanted something only to inadvertently be someones stepping stone into happiness. Being naive to think that forever is really forever anymore. Cynical? Yes. But i yearn to be proven wrong. Thinking how long it was to go through this 10 years ago for the first time, having to reliving the past and not being the same person today. It's not going to be a fair fight this time and I am the one with the disadvantage. Conflict running through my mind of what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Everyday life is blur of waking up and going to bed with a slight pause in between to breathe. I mock the man i see in the mirror. The fine line of real love and that thing, feeling, substitute, whatever that "almost" love to pretending to be the real thing. Lust of love. The answer being easy but sometimes hard to discern when the point is pressed and the heart is captivated by a smile.
"Its savage and its cruel and it shines like destruction. Comes in like the flood and it seems like religion. Its noble and its brutal. It distorts and deranges and it wrenches you up and you're left like a zombie" (Anne Lenox)
I have to admit I have no idea and am completely clueless of what love is.....The score is not in my favor. I look you in the eyes and you return my glance. Is something there we can build on? Is the hope of something simple and pure? Starting out as something pure and sincere, but seeing the evil within, without, to late. I retreat within myself for now until the tempest subsides.....
Yet, hope remains....................................
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