surfacing...

Sitting here tonight thinking of what to write. Phrases that convey multiple meanings, eloquent words, tapestry of ......OK .... it just ain't working tonight. Sometimes it just comes out.

Going into and through a divorce isn't fun. Yeah I know. "DUH"! This will be my second time walking this path through life. I admit I saw the first one coming. After ten years it was time for a change in her life. I, unfortunately, wasn't included in that change. The love had been missing for some time before the end came. I then went through 5 years of finding out who I was and what I wanted to be. I had a BLAST! Ahem... I mean I had a very nice time dating and learning about me and the opposite sex. I still admit that I don't understand the female mind. (This has so much potential for a government study) I had my heart broken, feelings hurt and that's part of it. I even kept a journal of what I had learned along the way. What? Taking notes? Yep. I sure did. I wanted to learn all I could about what women want. (OK..after all the laughter dies down back there in the back row we will continue OK?) I fell deeply in love for the first time in 2002 at the age of 34. A relationship that still haunts me today, because I had found what I had searched for and dreamed about, but in the end I was the one who refused to relocate the 300 miles to be with her. I was the one who had to bear the tears for the both of us. I was the one who said goodbye. I was the complete idiot for doing so.
Today she is married and has two children and another one on the way. I am assuming she is happy and has a wonderful life now...I have since moved on but there is a spot deep within my heart that time has stood still. (I have had no contact since 02 and never will again)

So theres a little past history for you. I finally remarried late in 2002. I had found a wonderful woman and thought I could be happy. It was really like a dream to find someone that could make me happy and forget everything I had been through. Something happened during the first year. What, I never could figure out but something was amiss. Maybe I didn't do enough through our 5 years together. I could have done better I guess. but this time I did all I could. Strangely enough we are still really good friends through all this. This time I know and I have a clear conscious, but in the end it all goes back to the beginning. Now what? I start over. Again. All the wiser? God I hope so. So here I am almost 10 year later and about to be single yet again. This time I find myself looking at relationships in a totally different light. I don't want one but yet I miss it. (Pardon me while I indulge in cheesy descriptiveness) Do you have someone that loves you like no other? Cherish it! Do you have someone who will just hold you for the sake that they just feel the need to do so because they love you? Don't let it go for nothing. I had this once. A long time ago. I will have this again, one day, but after this last time I have a bitter sweet taste in my heart that refuses to go away.

Well that's it for tonight. so much for eloquent writing..