Once and again....

So where do I start? A familiar place from a long ago memory. Wondering if I am the wiser this time. Feelings run the length of my mind and chaos is a daily event. Trying to balance sanity but pulled into two directions. Feelings of old of "what if" and consumed by the reality of "what is." Waiting for movement over the last weeks but nothing. A smile, a loving gesture, nothing more. Rebuilding of ruins that will remain such. Ruins. Turning a brave face to everyone around me but dying a little bit each day. Hiding behind a smile and camera lens. Wearing despair as a cloak. Wondering "Why?" To many questions and to many answers, all of which dig deeper into open wounds. Time will pass at its on whim as will the healing that will come. I have to walk this way. No choice but to go through. Remembering the heartaches and loves past. Finding... losing. I am not ready...Soul seeking shelter. So many words held back for so long....no more.