....motionless

......the last several days have blurred together and I feel inside that it is time to end a few things. Give up the fight? Why continue when another has won the battle and the war. Maybe not the best choice made but I must abide by such. "Hello again" isn't allowed as the heart will not take such a beating again. To late for apologies as we knew where it would lead from the beginning. Even in this day and time friendship was too much, to great a cost. Another chance another shot maybe in a different lifetime but not this one. I must go and move on. There always seemed the fact that fate was against me the whole time even when it was someone I loved. Fate didn't care and showed no mercy. Tonight I whisper goodbye and begin the long walk through myself, closing doors, locking away precious memories. Hope was a good thing while it was alive and well, but now I must place it inside and lock it away. Not forsaking it, but protecting it as it seems to be taking the brunt of so many things right now. No there isn't any use in fighting when another has claimed victory. So I will raise the white flag. You already did along time ago, you just don't know it yet.
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With this comes the need to end the search, get off this crazy merry go round. While I have awaited the special one to come into my life I haven't accomplished anything but slowly driving myself insane. I need to retreat, refocus and recharge. Faces and places pass me and yet I have no inclination and feel numbed by my past. I cant feel anything and my senses are dulled to the point they are useless. Very vulnerable place to be in and I cant think of anything else to do than to slowly hunker down into my shell. Familiar and comforting...sad state I guess as I sit here...

...motionless.