Disturbed by my own indecision, my lack of direction. Time slows as if allowing me to look at the carnage that I have left behind, that has become my own personal battleground. I found myself on more frequent trips to escape everything familiar. In search of answers, of myself and at this point I am in a holding pattern. Pulled in two different directions at once. The feeling of letting myself down again is really starting to leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Not knowing where I am headed is another issue.Living life day by day with no great expectations. As any single person would probably think, I figured, that finding a special someone would clear this fog away. So far I have found more questions than answers and the fog has grown thicker.
Epiphanies of this year.
1. Loving someone that will never love you as much in return still sucks today as it did 10 years ago.
2. Breaking rules to be with someone knowing what the future holds but still holding on, wanting to believe still hurts just as much, yet we still do it anyway.
3. Sometimes a friend is just that, a good friend. No hidden feelings are there. Leave it at that. History is history. Don't make a fool of yourself..(To late been, there did that.)
4. Sometimes people aren't what they appear to be. Don't think yourself so wise. Anyone can be had. Throw in beautiful blue eyes and smooth talking and a guy becomes an instant mental retard. ("Short bus" loads right here folks)
5. Sometimes its just not the time. She was right for me, but the timing in our lives was wrong. Cant rush or hurry things. Someone will time it just right and you will get a front row seat to see her ride off into the sunset but not with you. (This is why God invented Barry Manilow songs and I have his "Greatest Hits" Cd)
6.You cant change the future with things from the past. Go ahead and try, but the cost is far more than just mere money. I still bear scars from years ago of such foolishness..
7. Women will play games so much more often then men will.
8. There is someone reading this right now that loves me but due to time, fate ruled against us and now we sit in our ordinary lives.
9. Dating when you in your 40's has the same appeal and feeling as trying to pass a bowling ball. Lots of trying and pain and medications.
10. I should have taken the chance to relocate and disappear from my current location early this year. Time, money and opportunity was there but I walked away. Doubt there will be a next time for me..
11. Love is to much to ask for these days. Whether you look for it or wait for it. It is in short supply. Many people settle for less and create a life around it. I tried once to do that, but I cant ever again. Thus I pay the price by being alone.
12. My life sucks for the most part..But I gotta love it..Feast or famine, paradise or Purgatory?
Wait 5 minutes, it will change..