Thursday, May 7, 2009

really now..

A few friends asked about the previous entries concerning a young ladyfriend. I never have explained my entries before, as they sometimes have multiple meanings or they might cover several thoughts under a few sentences that only I am privy too.. Tonight I will make an exception as its pretty straight forward....Shall we?
Looking forward to a restart in my life now. Seems whenever I get a good footing, settled into a decent pattern in life something always comes along offering nothing more than a setback. Getting a little more adept at spotting these but sometimes they just hit hard and deep. Sometimes too deep too quickly and in places not visited..Lately?

Little history/explanation on the last couple of entries.

She was the first person I met after my first divorce of almost 10 years ago and I, being freshly single, wasn't ready to meet such a beautiful creature back in June 0f 1999. But we cant decide when or where most of the time can we, it just happened. A couple of visits, photo excursions and I couldn't help but fall for her. Short story of it was she wasn't ready and I definitely wasn't ready. Friendship was our consolation and we simply
moved on in different directions. Fast forward through 5 years of being single and 5 years of being married again and divorced again. Online we cross paths and a meeting is setup for a another photo trip and dinner to catch up. After I finished shooting all day in the surrounding areas, we were to meet for a quick chat and to make plans for the next day. I remember as I opedned my hotel room door and looked at her it was if time had stood still and nothing had changed since then....or at least in my befuddled mind it hadn't. That was last November and this was my third trip since then. I didn't plan on feeling this way or even dream of old memories getting stirred up. Well, they did and I guess it should have been expected in my case. I have had so much fun on my trips including an all day kayak trip that was so special. I was finally able to say things I never got a chance to say before we parted ways so many years ago. Apologies, reasons to why and why not, hoping I guess to start anew and see what might happen. But this time as it was then, a friend is what was needed and a friend i shall be. Life is like this. Triumphs and pain..I blame myself for allowing indulgence of the mind and heart. I used very bad judgment and let my heart override my mind and the commonsense that was screaming my name. So now? I still plan to go back for another kayak trip this summer and will have a great time in the process. The heart knows its place now.

Yes, it stings when you think you have something so close only to find its only you thinking such thoughts..My pride is lying around here somewhere, probably under that pile of embarrassment I brought back with me..I had a five hour drive back home so I left early the next day. I felt alone and nothing felt right, nothing seemed right on the drive home. Even tonight I still feel a little restless as if something changed me, changed in me. It has been a week today that I came home from all of this and still something doesn't seem right.

Time will tell...

"I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road someone's gotta go. And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better, but I want you to move on so I'm already gone"

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