Someone Said Goodbye...

Finality....Reality....

2011-10-24T19:11:00.004-04:00

Tonight a couple of things are on my mind. One being that the time for this blog is at an end, the other is how to bring it to a close. I could sit here and try and use poetic words but they wouldn't do this work justice. 394 posts have been created due to love, losing and finding only to lose again.... Below is the first entry here from December 2007
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Once and again....

So where do I start? A familiar place from a long ago memory. Wondering if I am the wiser this time. Feelings run the length of my mind and chaos is a daily event. Trying to balance sanity but pulled into two directions. Feelings of old of "what if" and consumed by the reality of "what is." Waiting for movement over the last weeks but nothing. A smile, a loving gesture, nothing more. Rebuilding of ruins that will remain such. Ruins. Turning a brave face to everyone around me but dying a little bit each day. Hiding behind a smile and camera lens. Wearing despair as a cloak. Wondering "Why?" To many questions and to many answers, all of which dig deeper into open wounds. Time will pass at its on whim as will the healing that will come. I have to walk this way. No choice but to go through. Remembering the heartaches and loves past. Finding... losing. I am not ready...Soul seeking shelter. So many words held back for so long....no more. ......December 1st 2007
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I have lived much and loved even more since the day this entry was written. Stolen kisses and loves that were never to be realized but held onto, hoping to feel if only for a moment that which I lost long ago. Now I have no need to try to recapture that which was lost. It is found and greatly cherished above all. I haven't blogged much due to the fact I have not the feelings that once drove me. How can I write such when the heart and mind sing. The wedding is soon, next month and I have a wonderful woman to accompany me on my photo road trips and so many other journeys in this lifetime. Truly a gift from God she is....
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I invite you to visit me over on the sister blog www.someonesaidhello.blogspot.com and see where my writings go from there. I really want to thank all of you that have stopped by over the years and left comments and encouragement. You have been true friends indeed over the time spent writing here..Ironically I find myself saying "goodbye" once again...but the real story is now just beginning....Shall We?............

....blessed.

2011-10-12T20:39:00.002-04:00

Time shall tell as it has for many years. Sorry for the lack of updates as October is a very busy month for me. Now its even busier in more ways.

...blessed.

...watching.

2011-10-08T22:56:00.002-04:00

So much has happened in the last few months. My photography is beginning to sell online and session work is picking up. Its also October and time for a Wayfarers journey once again. I planned for a new area to scout and explore, but somehow I feel the calling to return a final time to places already visited, already deep in my heart. With this in mind so many locations now beg my attention as the Fall colors once again prepare pay me a visit. I feel this will be the last time I see them through the eyes that I possess now. Making this journey all the more special and from the heart.

...watching.

...yet again.

2011-09-29T21:59:00.003-04:00

Slowly finding time and my voice once again. Have been wondering if my time over the last few years was a wasted effort or not. Sometimes I think I have been focused on one thing so much I have failed to see everything else. Sort of like "cant see the forest because of all the trees". Expecting love to fit in a neat little box and to look and be a certain way. This was nothing more than me staying in my comfort zone and expecting nothing more. Forbidding anything that didn't fit a certain criteria to enter into my life. Limiting what love should be is the best way to put it. In my defense love has always seem to be a certain way, from its approach and time spent but then again the end result has always been the same. Guess another epiphany has paid me a visit.

... yet again.

Once again....

2011-09-27T22:05:00.004-04:00

My apologize for the lack of updates. I have been so busy, September has flown by and now and my favorite month is almost here. October is the one month I wait for every year. An escape to the mountains this Fall is the usual road trip fare but from somewhere another voice is calling. Unsure of what its saying but its a new voice and has my attention. The heart and mind slowly strain to hear what is being spoken..Time will tell., it always does doesn't it...A different destination perhaps..

...once again.

....me

2011-09-08T21:39:00.003-04:00

...suddenly it seems everything I have written seems to be a testimony of how I have left a trail of destruction and scars. Blaming myself and no other. Never saying hello means goodbye shall never be spoken nor felt and it feels the most viable option on this path. Some say you cant live such a life. I can only say I have lived, felt the hurt and unknowingly hurt others in the journey. Once I thought I knew what I wanted but now I question myself with growing frequency. It was I who said goodbye in the beginning and I have found the common denominator in all of this hurt....

....me.

..who do you think you are..

2011-09-05T22:11:00.005-04:00

Heard a song by chance. A simple set of lyrics cut me deeper than any song has in a very long time. My life placed in a simple context. How could this be me. All i was seeking was happiness, my forever. Seeing, but not realizing what I have been doing. Scars caused by me, needlessly. I had no idea. I sit and watch the video all I could see is this young woman singing this to me and me only. I have replayed it over and over...Tonight I sit alone, ashamed, hurting for all the scars I have caused.

No, I can't take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most............

..who do you think you are..........I thought I knew.

...second wind.

2011-08-24T21:19:00.003-04:00

...away to a place where I can rest and memories cant find me. Allow me to forgive and forget yet remember and rejoice at what is found, when that day shall come. Resisting the voices whispering for me to settle, taunting that the journey is too long, but inside I continue as the reward is to great to give up now. Everyday brings me one step closer in finding her....having her.

...second wind.

...I guess.

2011-08-18T21:59:00.003-04:00

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."

Morgan Freeman
"Shawshank Redemption"

...my illusion.

2011-08-16T20:37:00.003-04:00

....wish I had some poetic tapestry to place here tonight but I got nothing. Thoughts, memories almost seem to be in a foreign language and I cant seem to place them in order here tonight. Looking back over entries through the years I seem to have been "all over the road" so to speak. The years have passed as I have met people, wondering who would be the right one for me or had I even met her yet. Also the fact I had found what I was looking for but in the end she said goodbye as I wasn't the choice she sought. Add to this lessons in dating after the age of forty and this has been one insane ride. The thought of being in a house of mirrors occurred to me. Seeing yourself, but you cant tell which way to turn or what path to follow. Everything is identical and there is no clues to follow until your outstretched hand passes through an illusion and you take another step. But are you heading in the right direction? Being we are in plain speak mode tonight lets chat a little. Freedom can be a prison. To much of it isn't good for anyone. I have seen beauty under the heavens as stars said goodbye and the moon gave way to the sun. Hidden glens that few have seen and embraced the rain as it fell across the mountains. Blessed I have been and yet cursed it seems. All this and I remain alone. By choice and not by choice. Still days pass and every so often she passes my way. On a breeze, within a dream or fading memory.

....my illusion.

...determination.

2011-08-13T22:55:00.002-04:00

As the light fades and memories come to play, to remind me of loves lost and mistakes made of goodbyes given I bid them come. Remind me as much as you dare to...now I will learn. No longer can I flee thoughts and ponderings of my past so I stand and endure. Events in motion that will bring change and time will see me anew and refreshed. Yet it is time that holds me still and keeps me waiting until it deems me ready to move on. Winds of August continue to blow but deep inside I feel the cool autumn breeze I so long to awake to. Maybe change wont be so long in coming, but if so I am ready. I have walked alone for many years and I am no stranger to continuing this path and journey. Haunted by someone in a dream that I have no recollection of her identity only a gaze into her eyes and an embrace that still burned after I had awoke to the pain of saying goodbye to a wonderful dreamscape..

...determination

...lesson to be relearned.

2011-08-10T21:21:00.003-04:00

....what am I doing here again? The road beckoned and as I answered its call the miles begin speaking to my heart and remind me of a familiar and painful path that I find myself following again. Happiness for now but a "goodbye" awaits somewhere ahead. To continue means I will slam headfirst and heartfirst into it again....

...lesson to be relearned.

....life in a blur.

2011-08-06T22:50:00.003-04:00

...This month has been a blur with corporate photo work and my regular work. Keeping the mind busy has been a good therapy of sorts, but it doesn't give much time for it to keep an eye on the heart, rebellious child that it is. But for now the heart remains quiet, not giving any indications of what its thinking, wanting....nothing but silence. Calming but also disturbing in a way. Ever since being wounded earlier this year its has stopped giving of itself, and in a way it become more and more reclusive. Content to watch and not dare chance contact with the outside world. Cant blame it one bit. I have even given it free reign to see if it needs more freedom of sorts. It stays put watching, not moving, almost not even caring. At a loss of what to do for now save time, patience and the need to keep moving forward. Moving faster and faster it seems with destination unknown

...life in a blur.

...for now.

2011-07-26T21:11:00.003-04:00

...while on the road the mind watches the miles pass, the sun set as well as rise and road stretches out and beckons me go further. The call is answered but with each answer another question is uncovered. Freedom slowly becomes its own prison and I quicken my pace, testing the limits of my sanity. Revisiting places once held dear now all is different or gone completely. Few and far between are the places and moments in time I can call home. Troubled thoughts cloud my reasoning and I wonder where I go from here. Fortress of solitude is no more. Sought for and where it once stood, nothing remains and now I must move on, hurting and wounded deeply. Wanting so little for so long now it seems common place to have nothing that feels like my own or anyplace that feels like home. The heart finds its voice and sighs deeply. Slowly the wing dips and a change of course ensues yet I feel as if I am flying blind. Seeking for something I cant get and I have no clue what I am even seeking. Contradiction of all it seems. Something different, unseen but felt. So close yet so far from view. Memories come to play, taunt me for what I let go, for chances missed, for choices made. As for now I have nothing to fight back with..

...for now.

...as for now.

2011-07-25T22:27:00.002-04:00

Lots to put on here tonight..but I am more tired from my recent photo work on the road than I realized..So I will put it off one more night. A little time to think things over and put everything into a moreorderly perspective is needed..

...an ordinary life.

2011-07-19T23:11:00.003-04:00

...lately more and more things aren't feeling the same. Change of pace or place? But now I am realizing how much I miss an ordinary life. I have had the chance over the last four years to travel and shoot photography almost anytime I wish. Nothing holding me back, when the road beckons I answer its call. But now I am slowly realizing that too much freedom can be a bad thing. How many people wish they could come and go as they please, nothing holding them down. How many of us have been there and have seen that its not all what it seems to be. There has to be a balance and I have yet to find it. It is out there somewhere....

...an ordinary world.

2011-07-13T23:31:00.003-04:00

"A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true."

...again

2011-07-11T21:51:00.002-04:00

..trying to find the words that fit my line of thinking tonight. Everything is so scattered and no clear course is seen. Only thing that comes to mind is that every time I find something a goodbye isnt far behind the hello. Sometimes love is nothing more than an excuse to be hurt. To show your vulnerable side and be taken in and down. I find I am becoming numb to this and hope slowly fades with each passing season. The time I spend alone is becoming more and more enjoyable. Solitude becomes more and more a comfort as it also becomes a prison.

...again.

haunted...

2011-07-02T23:01:00.003-04:00

I asked was she going to be be here tonight. The answer was yes and then I turn to see ask another question but my eyes catch someone looking into my eyes. Someone I said goodbye to long ago, someone that was the inspiration for the writings archived here. I smile and say hello as my heart races and I remain calm at least on the outside yet inside I am dying. She asks how I have been doing and that she has thought of me from time to time over the years. I say life has been good for the most part and that I have thought of her from time to time as well. Small talk ensues and we drift apart into the crowd as the evenings festivities get going. Me eyes are never far from her and after a while she slowly makes her way back to me and we stand and talk. Catching up on the last nine years that have passed since our goodbye. She asks about me thinking of her over the years. I smile and say there is a blog inspired by her and hundreds of entries colored by her memory in one way or another are there read by people from around the world. The look on her face is one of utter surprise. I can feel my emotions slowly getting the better of me and I quickly withdraw into myself and grow quiet. She draws closer and asks whats wrong and why I grew so quiet before I realize it I blurt out "because I am still in love with you".......

..the scene fades and I find myself waking with a headache and a deep hurt inside my heart as the sun shines in my window this morning. My dreams are starting to have more and more things in common. A hidden message or face value? I thought this was over and for a while it has been, but with one dream I realize I am still captive and...

...haunted.

......hidden in plain sight.

2011-06-29T23:22:00.004-04:00

....wondering if all this time have I been looking in the wrong place. A path which I knew not waiting for me?

......hidden in plain sight.

....it's long hard road

2011-06-26T20:38:00.005-04:00

...starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin. This is probably due to me growing a thicker skin and becoming somewhat withdrawn and maybe even a little colder on the inside. Expecting nothing more than what I have endured over the last decade. So as memories pass my way and smiles grace my presence I hold out no hope, yet it still remains for some reason. Subdued and buried, yet it remains. So with each step wonder and curiosity but so much seems to remind me of what has been left behind. Going in circles? Probably not as its far too easy to recognize the landmarks of lessons learned and relearned. Dreams of late send mixed messages, the heart and mind still refuse to speak to me as they haven't healed fully. Concentrating on each step leaves me little time to enjoy the scenery passing me by. Maybe my lot in life is down a totally different path and I am blind to this....regardless... ...it's a long hard road.

...fallen.

2011-06-20T21:41:00.004-04:00

...once before, once again..

2011-06-17T21:08:00.002-04:00

Going back to see, to feel, to make amends. Eyes saying everything. The path is much more clearer yet it will still take time and time is something I have now.

Once before, once again.....

...whispers.

2011-06-14T23:29:00.002-04:00

...time was made to retreat and regroup. Lots on my mind but time is against me at this late hour. Soon, thoughts released..some things seen clearly and revelations laid bare. But still an unseen but familiar feeling...

...whispers.

for now...

2011-06-08T22:31:00.002-04:00

time...pure and simple. Waiting for it to bring my next moment my next smile. Day after it passes by me beckoning me follow. As the landscape slowly slides by I look at places, faces, so much to see and experience. but I feel no connection other than the gentle pull forward. Awake or slumber, it matters no more. Reality is blurred and nothing clear. Each step slow unsure but steady.

....for now.

...waiting, hoping.

2011-06-07T23:27:00.003-04:00

.. the road leads to wherever. Whims of the heart dance in my mind. A mind still unsure of which direction to take, but for now the music is sweet and the gentle breeze soothes the senses. A smile from a stranger, a friend not met yet not face to face. Fellow wayfarers have crossed my paths over the years. Faces worn by the journey, hearts scarred by lessons learned once to often yet we continue, waiting, hoping. Stories shared and understanding is a common bond in this brotherhood of sorts. Goodbye came in our lives and we were left with questions and sometimes answers that raised nothing but another question. A vicious cycle of "what if" and "why" ensues. We walk away not looking back but looking forward, waiting and hoping. As paths meet they also diverge with one life taking a separate course. Wondering what will become of us on this journey. Hand gently placed inside mine, a smile graces my presence and warmth radiates from inside, but only in my mind.

...waiting and hoping.

....therapy.

2011-06-05T22:00:00.002-04:00

.....sometimes solitude is needed, yearned for. Never far away it calls and I answer...soon I shall fade away for a while to recharge and refocus.. Soon.

.....such a needed outing this afternoon. More to come soon.

... oh so sure.

2011-06-02T20:10:00.002-04:00

..forcing myself to get up and move, stop making myself such an easy target. Wounded and down but far from being out of the fight and fight is what I will be found doing.. That all you got. Hurt me and walk away. As for me time is short and I ain't even got time to bleed..Another lesson learned...

....oh so sure.

.....i need you.

2011-06-01T23:08:00.001-04:00

...no place here now.

2011-05-30T22:14:00.006-04:00

Starting over..... Slowly the mind clears and the road ahead comes into focus. Trying to regain my footing and I slip. I am so eager to begin anew but I cant fool myself. I am not ready and I am really hurting. Eight years ago I came off the greatest hurt I have ever known. It took years to learn and heal and now? A week ago that hurt was eclipsed ten fold. Did I really think I was just gonna up and walk away? Guess I wanted and planned to.....God I am trying to act like nothing is wrong, show a smile but I am dying inside. I never wanted to feel this again and now I have no choice in the matter. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I can only stand and endure. I never thought I could love someone as much, to feel true happiness and I certainly never thought I would have to say goodbye again, even as a friend. During the day I am fine, braving the world with a smile and strength abounds inside. But then eveningfall comes and insecurities, memories come to play taunt, tease and torture me. Goodbye rings loudly in my ears.

People have come and gone in my life and even now there are those that seek my attention and affections. I have tried to move forward, to begin the healing process one smile at a time. But tonight I have realized that I cant. I am wounded and I am trying to rush the healing process. Lessons from years past will serve me well and one being time heals all. You cant speed up the process but you can hinder it greatly and will live the same hurt over and over again. Love was found and lost to recently. The feelings and moments still linger, though no chance of returning remains as I will never allow such hurt again. Choices doubly made render all questions answered. Yes love remained and slowly fades as the days come and go.

For the first time in my adult life I am afraid. I am afraid to even contemplate being happy or finding another. I have no desire for it it now and this bothers me greatly. But the mind and heart agree it isn't in their power to change this. Until the loss and regret subside I cant nor have room inside for another. I have tried, tried to open my mind and heart. Using a rationale of sorts. Telling myself it was never what I thought it to be. Nothing more than a mere illusion. But I need to begin shutting down for the foreseeable future. Solitude is being sought and will be found. Smiles shall find a place one day but for now all is becoming quiet as locks are being placed and memories, moments are being locked away........ Love has, in all its pureness....

....no place here now.

...relearning.

2011-05-27T21:26:00.003-04:00

To tired in my mind and basically I just don't really care anymore. Days come and go now. Been through this over the years and it never changes. A purgatory for heart and soul. The mind stays to watch and wonders when this will end. I am beginning to think now it never will. How many times can a person go through this in a lifetime?...The answer is out there somewhere. Time..My old friend once now an enemy it seems...We have to become friends if I am to survive this with my sanity intact.

relearning.

....once again..

2011-05-26T21:34:00.003-04:00

.....Really feeling odd tonight. Freedom comes with a price and that price being knowing not what to do. Of reminding yourself the field has changed and wont never be the same. Having something there that's constant and no its no more. So much of my life revolved around a "what if' and so I built my life, sadly enough, around a possibility. A possibility. Nothing promised and who can I blame other than myself. So now we are back at square one. Watching, wondering what will be next. The mind tries to prepare itself for the journey, the heart silent, numb and for now uncaring. Numbness is good for the time being. I just have to figure out where to go from here..Never thought I would be here like this...

....once again.

......searching.

2011-05-24T21:17:00.003-04:00

Woke up this morning....slowly moved into my daily routine then remembering that everything had now changed, never to be the same again. Emptiness now resides where hope once flourished. Trying to reorient myself and try to get my bearings once again. Bitterness that raged before slowly begins to cool yet still it simmers. Eventually memories will fade, count you as a lesson I had to learn, had to let go of. But most importantly to be willing to let go of. I look at the landmarks that are before me now. Returning down a road that I am all to familiar with. Seems I have had to let go of so many things in my life. Things that meant so much to me. For what end I haven't a clue. Tonight this rings loud and clear..."I haven't a clue." I am too drained to even want to figure it out now.
For now bid me my time to embrace the cold and rain. Its familiar and it feels somewhat safe. So much laid waste now and I stand in a desolate landscape in my mind and heart. A survivor yes but now a refugee looking through the remains of memories..

..........searching.

Bitter....Hurt....

2011-05-23T23:28:00.005-04:00

Warning....Ramblings by a very bitter person at this moment in time. Read at your own risk. You have been warned.
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Its been a emotional roller coaster today. Someone who hurts you is bad enough but as a friend you thought you knew hurts even more. Someone you loved even worse. I will admit it will take sometime to get past this. I had began to learn to trust to believe and finally see daylight. Time had passed and now it was my chance to bask in the sun. A prayer answered after all this time and now nothing to show for it except a new long and deep scar. I fight with my heart as I am not a vengeful person, nor wish and evil on anyone. But tonight I sit alone, wounded, while someone basks in something that should have been mine. Cheated, yes, but she alone made the final choice and this will come back to bite her royally in the future. Sadly I will not be waiting this time. Its amazing how you can love a person one minute and then not be able to look at them the next. I can do nothing but walk away and grit my teeth while muttering "never again" to myself. Sure, apologize for what you did but you have no clue, no freakin clue what its like. You run back to what you think is something solid but in reality just an illusion. Bridges burned hon and its a long swim. Plain speak. The crux of the matter.

//You chose him over me over 3 years ago after he claimed to have found "God." He claimed to have changed but you admitted it was all for show as the facade slowly crumbled. He didn't want me to see you so he played the religion card. Finally admissions from his own mouth proved me right all along, all this time. For the majority of that time I was a shoulder for you to lean on while your relationship tanked and decayed. Month after month I listened to you your pain and hurt and disappointment in your choice. Month after month I was a friend I encouraged you, offered support until you were ready and was leaving as nothing seemed to be working. While I never relished the death of a relationship I will openly admit I felt that I was due a chance to make you happy. But low and behold once again he has been enlightened, found religion, found God, seen the error of his ways. Against advice from family and friends you turn and walk back to him.. You tell me you are sorry to hurt me but you have to go back to him yet again.//
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So that leaves me out in the cold again. Tell you what..Its my fault. You take the bow and I will take the blame. For loving you, for believing you, for believing period. For allowing myself to care, to trust, to love. You cant do what you have done without karma paying you a visit. Yeah, I am very bitter tonight. I am livid. Guess having someone tell you they love you just a mere 48 hours ago kinda sticks with you a little. Having that person then tell you goodbye that they have to run back to a sorry excuse for a human being, well I have a really big issue with that. I need to just walk away now. You have each other and the timer is ticking until it ends again. Try harder this time..You might just make it to four years if you play your cards right.

Read'em and Weep....

2011-05-23T21:17:00.000-04:00

Rome is on fire...burn with it.

2011-05-23T11:44:00.008-04:00

....After much bittersweets of farewell, the sweetness is fading and bitterness slowly replaces all. At a conjuncture of sorts in my life and I can do nothing but wait and see what fate shall deal me. I held what I sought recently, something precious and pure in my eyes. Slightly ahead of what should be considered right and fair. I indulged my senses to early and now watch her fade away....again. For three years I waited. I now see that all efforts have been in vain as she turns and walks away....again....So very contrary to words spoken from her, of feelings professed. Thinking I could bring this journey to an end and move on to happiness. Trusting in someone who wasn't ready nor worthy it appears. Why couldn't you be the person I thought you would be. Thanks for taking three years of my life, for allowing me to cover your weakness, for being a friend, for catching you when you would stumble. Encouraging you to keep holding on and try. The list goes on doesn't it. You have no right to apologize. This hurts me more than all others before in my life. You set the bar so high and now I stand unwilling to even try any more. It was a lie from the beginning, such a long time ago. I gave all you asked and needed, I was your little secret and now you walk away because he claims "enlightenment"...Same excuse he had back then that caused you to walk away and now you fall for it once again...But now I am free. There will never be another chance, another try, no waiting...No wondering what "could have been" as I now have been given my answer. Embrace the horror.....And now as the flames rise..

Rome is on fire...burn with it.
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So the journey begins anew. But this time with new rules. "There are none."

soon....

2011-05-09T00:52:00.001-04:00

......sorry for the lack of prose. Lots of things inside just no way and no time to release them....

......soon.

Please Pray for the South...

2011-05-02T22:15:00.004-04:00

There are those who greatly need your prayers....... now.

....maybe it's not a dream.

2011-04-23T17:05:00.005-04:00

What would you give up to be able to have something you have always dreamed of? What price would you pay to have it? I have come to face this question. My answer even surprises me. When faced with the question and my answer came forth I thought to myself...

...maybe it's not a dream.

...evey single one.

2011-04-21T20:56:00.001-04:00

....breaking.

2011-04-18T20:19:00.003-04:00

...in between the new and the old. broken promises, hearts, rules everything is a shambles around me and I feel I cant keep the facade of a life up very much longer. Asking for something I so greatly desire yet will not be allowed to have due to my actions and inactions, past and now the present. The closer happiness came to me the farther away it is in reality. I need to get away, change of pace, change of scenery a change in my life. To leave everything behind regardless. Something is gonna give gonna break and sadly I feel it will be me...

.....breaking

....waiting

2011-04-09T21:38:00.003-04:00

....cascade of silence engulfs me and for now let it sweep me away with its soothing currents. The heart stands silent, watching another life pass before it, still numb. The road passes under my feet and yet there is a restlessness I cant explain. Fleeing to an destination I know not and I cant seem to get there fast enough. Feeling uncomfortable as things begin to feel comforting. Where are you, who are you. Your needed now more than ever. .....waiting.

.......closer still...

2011-04-03T20:41:00.002-04:00

.....no words tonight, just the deep and subtle pull to my place of solitude.

....closer still.

....if only in my mind.

2011-03-31T21:02:00.004-04:00

.......day of days and this one slowly comes to a gentle end. Eveningfall passes by for her visit, whispering reminders of what was so many years ago and that this was the day that it all began 8 years ago. The day that "someone said hello." Face to face for the first time. Heart and mind silent, speechless of what was found. Part of me agreeing and not believing as well and then "the smile."........I fell.
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Clouds and very cool breeze today, fitting my mood really well. Yearning to be somewhere far away, just alone in my fortress of solitude with no one but myself. The days have been a blur and now April looks me in the eyes. Where has the winter of my life gone to. Still the warmth has yet to find its place deep inside, part of me refuses to open up and allow such indulgence. For now this is best. healing has taken place and I am in no shape to reopen wounds from long ago. Memories are that, memories. slowly they fade and I feel myself fade with them. I will find my way, somehow find myself this year........if only in my mind.

......into the tempest.

2011-03-28T22:21:00.005-04:00

...heart pounding as I gaze into the beast. Steadfast I remain firing away. The rain stinging my face as the wind roars and the beast draws closer to devour me....Defiant I stand...For this moment I was born and now....

I am alive.

.....nothing.

2011-03-22T21:49:00.001-04:00

......please no more.

2011-03-19T20:53:00.003-04:00

......busy couple of days and I am tired and drained physically. Sitting here tonight I am really thinking hard about myself and my future or what I can see of it. I have spent so much time over the years in pursuit of things that aren't meant for me are not good for me and this has done nothing but drain me to my core. Never allowing myself time to recover and regroup. I cant do this anymore. I have been there for so many people over the years and still today I am the shoulder to lean on. But I am not strong enough now and my strength is slowly fading. I am no longer in control it seems and for now I care not where the current takes me....It's over.

..please no more.

....adrift

2011-03-18T21:38:00.004-04:00

...no clear path before me and for now I am wandering.

...adrift.

....motionless

2011-03-16T21:28:00.003-04:00

......the last several days have blurred together and I feel inside that it is time to end a few things. Give up the fight? Why continue when another has won the battle and the war. Maybe not the best choice made but I must abide by such. "Hello again" isn't allowed as the heart will not take such a beating again. To late for apologies as we knew where it would lead from the beginning. Even in this day and time friendship was too much, to great a cost. Another chance another shot maybe in a different lifetime but not this one. I must go and move on. There always seemed the fact that fate was against me the whole time even when it was someone I loved. Fate didn't care and showed no mercy. Tonight I whisper goodbye and begin the long walk through myself, closing doors, locking away precious memories. Hope was a good thing while it was alive and well, but now I must place it inside and lock it away. Not forsaking it, but protecting it as it seems to be taking the brunt of so many things right now. No there isn't any use in fighting when another has claimed victory. So I will raise the white flag. You already did along time ago, you just don't know it yet.
------------------------------------------------------------------
With this comes the need to end the search, get off this crazy merry go round. While I have awaited the special one to come into my life I haven't accomplished anything but slowly driving myself insane. I need to retreat, refocus and recharge. Faces and places pass me and yet I have no inclination and feel numbed by my past. I cant feel anything and my senses are dulled to the point they are useless. Very vulnerable place to be in and I cant think of anything else to do than to slowly hunker down into my shell. Familiar and comforting...sad state I guess as I sit here...

...motionless.

...finality

2011-03-13T22:55:00.003-04:00

...Love is precious. Even more so when you know you will have it only for a moment, before it is "goodbye".....

...finality

...waiting

2011-03-13T20:57:00.006-04:00

...warm evening winds bring thoughts from a long time ago each memory ebbs and flows by my mind. Reaching to hold on as each tenderly and silently slips out of my grasp. Willing to give all my secrets away if it would change things, but secrets must be kept. Wishing I had thought things through more carefully but knowing I would do the same thing again, if given it to do all over. I miss someone that I will never have again. So? It makes me no different or more special than any other person. Pain is pain and the emptiness you feel inside is a reminder of that loss, that goodbye. Faces as well as places come and go. Smiles, well wishes, words of enlightenment and encouragement bid me on to whatever is in my future. Reminding myself that each step is the part of the journey of discovery, not the destination. Thoughts still pass by me and your eyes still haunt me as goodbye was the last thing they spoke to me.... Still, the heart sits, alone, silent. Hearing and feeling one to many times the word "goodbye" I fear. I know not what to do this time. The mind slowly stands beside it, nothing said. Both are silent....the curtain falls and for now the wayfarer is silent, still and alone.........

....waiting.

....somewhere.

2011-03-12T23:36:00.002-05:00

.........somewhere you will find me, but don't take your time.

...it's time.

2011-03-10T21:13:00.005-05:00

...reading over a few entries tonight. Thoughts, memories coming and going at their leisure. Looking back at an entry many years ago. Back in 2004 when I finally realized something about myself, something hidden in plain sight. That beautiful autumn week a wayfarer wasn't only born he finally realized who he was. Always eager to find out what was further down the road, just out of sight, awaiting discovery. I guess I have slowly put away this part of me little by little over the years and replaced it with things not so fulfilling. I need to reconnect with that part of me somehow. I have slowly slipped into a state of mind that's not conducive to happiness, although it has offered the heart some protection, but not what it really needs. Yes I have searched for the elusive someone in my life and have found that they are truly a rare find indeed. I spoke once of the fact that she, whoever it may be, will be by my side one day, but that the journey must be relished with every step. I have forgotten what its like to really be alive while alone, instead I wanted to rely on someone to make me complete. Complete I shall be and I do look forward to the day when I am one with another. But until that day comes there are yet many roads, sunsets and sunrises awaiting my eyes to behold and my soul to embrace.

.it's time.

......just an image.

2011-03-07T19:41:00.007-05:00

......by sheer chance a solitary image passed my way today. By chance nothing more, it came. The image of a person who I said goodbye too long ago, the inspiration that created this blog. Even now my pulse raced and it slammed into my heart like a ton of bricks. Why? Love has a way of doing that to you, even now after all this time. When there is no one to create moments with , memories are all you have to fight back with. A feeble battle indeed as the heart is laid waste and the mind reels with "what ifs" and "if only." Slowly everything comes back into focus and a smile passes my lips and thankfulness for her happiness as she has so much more than I could have gave her. Even though a huge hole has never been filled since that day, I have managed somehow. A simple goodbye took everything and became an abyss that has consumed me a little each day. A gentle tug that still resonates after all this time. A voice from somewhere beckons me to continue. Closure came and went but the heart still waits, wanting and wounded. March has always been a month of remembrance but also of discovery. But this year I feel not the fortitude needed and this troubles me greatly. Solid ground hasn't been trod under my feet in quite some time. The mind, falling back into remembering when and the heart joins in this chorus and a slow spiral ensues. Somewhere you will find me, but just don't take your time...So many lines of thought to follow tonight but still I hold back for now...thoughts are all I have now for the foreseeable life I have...Just a life, just a moment in time.

...just an image.

...by a thread.

2011-03-07T19:38:00.002-05:00

A repost from July 1, 2010

..standing at the edge of my sanity it seems, as the days come and go. An epiphany of sorts. The closer I have come to finding my "forever" the more hurt befalls me. Faces and places pass before me and I am not allowed to interfere. Voices from my past whisper reminders of insecurities forgotten and now brought back to remembrance as if a cruel test is being taken once again. A mental threshold tested over and over until numbness replaces all feeling an emotion. Pulled in different directions and resistance is slowly ebbing. One moment in a day can change all but those moments have been few and far between on this pathway. Not looking for it nor expecting it as I find myself just wanting to be alone and embrace the solitude. Sometimes all you have is a smile, a placing of the hand against the glass pane to feel the forbidden warmth radiate from the other side. Never being allowed to partake of, but only to behold what another neglects and never cherishes. A smile offered in return and encouragement to continue while I shatter once and again, deep inside. Days to weeks to months and I stand alone and wait. Holding on and holding out...

...by a thread.

........God only knows why.

2011-03-06T22:13:00.002-05:00

...Would really like to place a tapestry of words, emotions and insightful prose on the blog here tonight, but its just not coming out like I hoped for. Reading back over several entries I seem to be a mental case more and more. I do find that somewhat amusing though but I am growing tired of this life, this shell, this cloak I have, sadly, grown accustomed to wearing. Having to wait day after day year after year wondering will this life end and a new one begin? A smile, a hello and all here forgotten? So close it seems but yet so far and the journey of a wayfarer continues. Having said goodbye that August evening so many years ago has remained deep inside and forgiveness hasn't been given yet it would seem. Every year, every March it hits home and it hits hard. The day I said hello comes and passes and nothing has changed since that day. Feeling further away from what I seek, where I want to be in life. Waiting for something and the more time passes the more I wonder why I am even waiting...

God only knows why....

......thats what faith can do.

2011-03-03T22:55:00.000-05:00

.......wanting

2011-03-01T19:59:00.005-05:00

...whispers of springtime. Senses awaken for the moment as realization of the past come to mind. Thoughts, images flash before me, laughter echoes the hallways of the heart. It hears and smiles at this, and remembers. A time when love was new, fresh and mine for the holding. No hurt or betrayal was yet known and innocence was as pure as it could be. The first communications... emails, phone calls, then the first encounter. A glimpse of something so beautiful I deemed myself unworthy of it. So unworthy that even today it eludes me. With the whispers of March teasing the senses I watch, wait and remember..

....wanting.

.... I didn't want to.

2011-02-26T16:20:00.005-05:00

.....time, slowly and gently bids me to let go and move on. The heart casting a glance back to what it found, and held but now has let go. The mind offering encouragement but feeling the pain, every teardrop. It was never mine for the taking yet part of me held on, seeing something there but also something in another lifetime long ago. Wasn't looking for it, yet it found me and here we are once again and in the end......alone. Letting flow the tears held back, letting go the hopes, everything. So where does that leave me? Right back where I started from 13 years ago. An open road outstretched before me and a heart torn asunder. An all to familiar path as I know each landmark as it comes into view. Warmth from behind the wall, forbidden yet still felt. No just cause for holding on yet I still remain. Its time for me to withdraw inside, the senses as well as the heart cant be trusted for now.....I walked away... I didn't want to.......

........sorry.

2011-02-23T21:49:00.001-05:00

.......nothing tonight...empty.

....tired of it all

2011-02-22T20:01:00.005-05:00

....roses never fade, the memory remains deeply embedded. Walking away seems the only course of action yet the harder I try the harder the calling of staying rings so loud in my ears. God, how much more can I take? I said goodbye so long ago and have waited only to see others have what I cannot, to hold what I am only allowed to gaze upon. Allowed to hold but for a moment and then have to let go for another to take my place. Slowly walking back through the heart, closing off areas. It was nice for the sun to shine and warm places so deeply, but now winter has returned and with it a cold hollow embrace. Yet deep inside a single flame flickers gently waiting and hoping. Eveningfall then slumber comes and I can only hope to see you there, as reality bids us strangers be. Once I held you and wanted for nothing and now nothing is what I seem to have as my own. Falling back into memories as they offer a safe haven for now, familiar. Reminding myself this is why I have hidden myself away from this and so much in life. The only thing that remains so ingrained in my life is " goodbye".................

....tired of it all.

.......someday.

2011-02-20T21:34:00.003-05:00

someone.....somewhere.....somehow....someday.

...beaten again.

2011-02-19T22:09:00.005-05:00

A simpler time in my heart. Times when it knew nothing other than day to day dreaming. It knew not the hurt that awaited it, the emptiness of watching someone you love walk away or hearing someone say goodbye. Later in life it would endure the finding of a dream and watching that same dream slowly fade and goodbye once again rings its finality. Tonight too many thoughts are vying for limited emotions. To see and be offered a taste of the forbidden. Such a sweet temptation but I have become accustomed to the taste of losing, of goodbye. I have come to expect it as time passes. Yet inside I hang on believing. Sometimes I believe the mind does it to keep some sort of sanity in place. Hurt knows no time nor does it care about your past history. The storm approaches again and I seek refuge but find none. I saw the signs and felt the winds shift, knowing then that time was limited yet I stayed. The storm draws nearer and still no shelter appears. Something, someone, somewhere as I reach forward and find nothing familiar. The storm roars overhead and under this made tempest I fall to my knees..

...beaten again.

....still the same.

2011-02-19T15:12:00.004-05:00

Came across this from an earlier post a few years back..Sad but funny how it still remains true even today...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Epiphanies of this year.

1. Loving someone that will never love you as much in return still sucks today as it did 10 years ago.

2. Breaking rules to be with someone knowing what the future holds but still holding on, wanting to believe still hurts just as much, yet we still do it anyway.

3. Sometimes a friend is just that, a good friend. No hidden feelings are there. Leave it at that. History is history. Don't make a fool of yourself..(To late been, there did that.)

4. Sometimes people aren't what they appear to be. Don't think yourself so wise. Anyone can be had. Throw in beautiful blue eyes and smooth talking and a guy becomes an instant mental retard. ("Short bus" loads right here folks)

5. Sometimes its just not the time. She was right for me, but the timing in our lives was wrong. Cant rush or hurry things. Someone will time it just right and you will get a front row seat to see her ride off into the sunset but not with you. (This is why God invented Barry Manilow songs and I have his "Greatest Hits" Cd)

6.You cant change the future with things from the past. Go ahead and try, but the cost is far more than just mere money. I still bear scars from years ago of such foolishness..

7. Women will play games so much more often then men will.

8. There is someone reading this right now that loves me but due to time, fate ruled against us and now we sit in our ordinary lives.

9. Dating when you in your 40's has the same appeal and feeling as trying to pass a bowling ball. Lots of trying and pain and medications.

10. I should have taken the chance to relocate and disappear from my current location early this year. Time, money and opportunity was there but I walked away. Doubt there will be a next time for me..

11. Love is to much to ask for these days. Whether you look for it or wait for it. It is in short supply. Many people settle for less and create a life around it. I tried once to do that, but I cant ever again. Thus I pay the price by being alone.

12. My life sucks for the most part..But I gotta love it..Feast or famine, paradise or Purgatory?

Wait 5 minutes, it will change..

down...

2011-02-17T20:11:00.002-05:00

....mine to see and have for a moment but not hold as my own. That shall be the joy and honor of another. Playing the part in anothers happiness is a very gratifying experience but when will it be my turn? Tears trace all to familiar paths across a stress ridden face and heart. Yet I continue this search, this ongoing journey. To have found and held for a moment is better than to have never held at all.Not quite the same as the old adage but you try it for change..See how it feels.

Deeper into something I cant see, touch, only feel and its sucking the life out of me. Normally I bounce back and things slide off my back and life goes on. Now nothing seems right. Most of the time when I get like this a road trip is needed and I can get away and return refreshed, but now that not possible. To much going on and I cant let loose to do it. To be honest I don't think it would help or make a difference right now. I re adjust, trying to get a better handle on my life yet nothing seems comfortable and things are looking less and less familiar. This is getting weird. Never been in a place like this before and it is very unsettling. Wrong choices made? Paths not taken when offered, love not returned, unfaithfulness, its all the same. So what brought me here? Does it really matter which roads were taken as they all may have all led to this place anyway. Well lucky me.

Now where do I sign out at..

........show me.

2011-02-17T18:48:00.001-05:00

...within, without.

2011-02-16T21:30:00.003-05:00

...Clarity dances with time, flowing at their own whim their own pace. One would think after being in the position in life it would get easier after a while, but it doesn't. Finding less inside to pull from as I feel slowly drained. Giving more than receiving in life I guess. Wanting something to much is as bad as not having it. Balance must be found. To much happiness can be maddening or it would seem in my life. Journey to my "fortress of solitude" is nigh. The underlying thought, question is that will I return from it. The need to put things behind me and into perspective. Sometimes I really doubt if I am to be truly happy. The past has remained a true predictor of my future so far. Reading my last several entries I feel a foolish for allowing such indulgences of the mind and heart. Composure needs be placed and in liberal amounts on the heart and mind. Both moving to quickly in the onset and now finally allowing reasoning to catch up. slower pace, allow to see whats before you and the landscape around me. The journey will end one day but maybe I am not ready for it to be and I just haven't been realizing this. Discovery awaits but not by my hand....
----------------------------------------------
I am tired within and without deeply. Tonight there is bitter sweetness, the memories that were never given a chance to be made, promises that were never allowed to be kept. If this is so, then why do I remember them and feel them still? Why am I hurting tonight?

....within, without.

....caution..random thoughts ahead.

2011-02-14T21:29:00.005-05:00

I never saw the signs, the last to know when love is blind. Dreams shared, scared, lost as well as found. Nothing is the same as all changes daily. Solid ground not feeling solid on the inside. A bitter thought that I had it all but I just let it go, let it slip away. You showed me dreams, I wished they turn into real but then again its I that is the dreamer. Reality or dream? All is naught. Another chance makes nothing easier, hindsight is always perfect? Not always. Easier to make the same mistakes , same missteps. Random thoughts pour forth. so many meanings, events, let it go, let it flow. Wishing for so many different outcomes and still the desired one remains elusive even now, until this day. Maybe best for now. Pain isn't so bad when its what your accustomed too. Almost a relief in some ways as it lets you know you are still alive, at least for the most part. Games played once to often, led by a smile and my own desire to bring the search to an end. Sometimes the heart cant be trusted. Two is better than one as long as two are trying. Pacing myself but wondering why I am in the running again. Stolen dreams always are taken from you, not yours to possess. ------------------------------------------------------------- Nice guys always finish last (note to self) don't enter the race to begin with.
Soon.... A wayfarers journey begins again.

...echoes of the past.

2011-02-14T17:51:00.003-05:00

.....repeating past mistakes? Falling again or forgetting again? Wanting something so much that caution is thrown to the wind? Fighting for or forgetting all? Voices inside speak of loves lost, loves found, heartache and joy unspeakable. Everything begins to blur together and clarity is lost. Why this turmoil inside. Wanting something to much?...Pressing forward before it's due time? Uncertainty begets doubt so easily. Silence is so deafening as it is I that I find losing my voice, strength and feel out of place in some unknown way. Pondering things to deeply that amount to nothing more than ghosts of my own past. Much commotion over nothing? Guess that remains to be seen. Fallen? Yes, but not to far that I cant get up and move forward. Senses unbalanced on expectations. Need to clear the mind once again. The expected is no more and I find myself still, quiet and listening to...

echoes of the past.

.....walls.

2011-02-13T21:25:00.004-05:00

.....in times of doubt the heart has always forged ahead, many times to its own hurt. The mind eventually finds it, waiting for the eventual scolding that it knows is coming. Lessons learned?...Sometimes...Willing to give up? Almost, but never does for one reason or another. The one thing that's kept the will there to venture on is that it has always been a wayfarer's heart. Always wanting to know whats around the next curve, over the next hill. Ah, the joy of discovery. Having found this in another lifetime it seeks to find it in this life. To have and hold as mine, still as I sit here tonight its not my choice to make and I find no fault but in myself. Fight harder seems the only answer but then again I have no weapons as the walls are high and seem impenetrable...A weakness is somewhere to be found. Day by day I have returned to the wall, placed a hand against the cold stone and felt the subtle warmth from the other side. How do I fight ghosts? The doubts, the fears of the hurt that is before me. The rain is colder on a warm heart. Somehow this feels like a comfort than anything else. I stand outside....

walls.

...long way down.

2011-02-11T20:39:00.004-05:00

....nothing is coming easy tonight. Too many words fighting for the one chance to be heard...Emotions in constant flux from one minute to the next...The obvious signs follow me, taunt me. I said I would do better this time and remain focused and in control. I told myself I would not and still,

I have fallen.

...escape.

2011-02-10T20:28:00.006-05:00

...winds of change. The rustling of fallen leaves, fallen memories outside my minds window. Placing my hand against the glass I feel the coldness of it all. Strange how the familiar, regardless of the feeling, always seems safer than where you are at or where you are headed. Once a cloak of loneliness and hurt, my constant companion. Now? A subtle warmth seeps inside me day by day. Wanting to soak up all that I can, not wanting to be found returning to where I came from or what I have been. Deep in an embrace, the scent of sweet discovery, powerful, intoxicating. Finding myself thinking thoughts that I am unworthy, undeserving of. To convince oneself that what is real, is whats before and waiting. Doubt, fear, hurt put so many walls, so many obstacles in our paths. Sometimes it's just easier to use them, see them as a shelter against the elements. Many nights I have thought along these lines and lived them even longer. Searching for the happiness that has eluded me all this time. Dreams bring images at eveningfall and leave me at daybreak with nothing more than a face and questions. Beckoning me to continue to find you out there somewhere. Wanting this to come to an end and seeking a solid footing but still I feel hesitant in a way. Sometimes faith is all that you have and then it is all that you need. Staying the path that's ahead. Holding a dream as long as I can, as long as is allowed. Hoping all will end with two hearts finding solace within each other, with each other.

escape...

-------------------------------------------------------
From a dream I had February 3, 2009. For some reason it is on my mind now more than ever...

A beautiful afternoon spent traveling around looking at the rolling countryside taking pictures. The sun begins to slip toward the horizon and I have yet to find a spot to shoot my ending images for the day. Then I remembered a perfect spot to shoot from. The warm evening air feels good blowing across the fields. As the sun goes down the nightlights began to twinkle on, you pull me off to one side and began to point out the lights of small towns several miles in the distance. You name the places now visible by eveningfall as the lights begin coming to life.... A train eases past us on a nearby track, having sneaked up on me and I complain as I am not set up for it and miss the shot. You smile at me, amused, and I cant help but laugh at myself. The train slowly moves on and fades into the darkness, its whistle announcing it has finally made it home and will rest. The stars are coming out one by one. I stand still and look at the beauty that is before me, reliving the day. I turn to you and you simply stare at me with a subtle smile, hand resting on my arm and then........

I awoke not knowing who you are...again........but now curiosity has my attention.

.... sweet unknown.

2011-02-08T19:48:00.003-05:00

...candlelight flickers tonight as I sit here. Sitting here as I have done many times over the years. Seeing which thoughts surface first. Digging deep for some while others are in plain sight and easily fit into my mood. Subject matter varies as much as my outlook on life, but over the last few weeks things have changed and a new direction has been given me to travel. A transitioning from goodbye to hello seems to be the dominant flow and for once I let the current carry me instead of fighting it. Scenes drift by with memories in tow. Warmth radiates deep within and for once the chill of "what if and if only" are nowhere to be felt or found. Allow me my day in the sun as the darkness has for so long remained a cold heavy cloak to bear. I venture deep into myself as light now enables further inflection of areas of the heart that have been locked away. Pain can be a powerful deterrent from opening up, trusting and healing. so much easier to lock away, toss the key and begin erasing memories as you retreat into a safer place of the heart and mind. As for the heart and mind? Both have been silent..til now.

The heart for one speaks of the reality that it finds itself in. Questioning the genuineness of the moment. It begs the moment to be true and not a foolish game, concerning this matter. It remembers as if only yesterday it was trying to comprehend what wonderful gift was being given it. Then pain that quickly ensued later as all come crashing down and no shelter was given to shield it. Scars remain to today and are never far from remembrance. Wanting to believe it watches, waits...
-------------------------------------
The mind as always tries to be the one to rationalize all and guide both, but now? Nothing. Amazed as much as the heart they both stand in awe. It can offer no rebuttal to what it sees and feels, as it's just as surprised that this moment has arrived. Expected and desired day after day year after year, but when it does finally appear into your life the feeling is unforgettable as you are taken into somewhere so precious...

sweet unknown.

....time

2011-02-07T11:25:00.004-05:00

...looking over my last several posts I have been thinking....Yes, I know. A dangerous thing to be doing eh? But I feel the need to broaden my view of the current situation I am in. Slow down and breathe. Maybe its a fear of sorts, or the protection mode kicking in as I always expect the bell to begin tolling the arrival of a goodbye or loss or something not so pleasant in my future. Whenever happiness tries to pay me a visit it seems not so far behind. Conclusion? While I have found what I am looking for in life, is it mine to have? One side of the coin says time will tell. The other side plainly says no. Ah, but here is the epiphany of sorts. If "goodbye" is the inevitable conclusion, it is still very encouraging to have had such a one grace my presence. So where does this leave me? Nowhere but right here..but I will tone down my thoughts a little. Breathe a little slower and give whats needed to be given, if only to protect myself. Falling hurts, especially when there is no one there to catch you. I have indeed met someone wonderful. I ask my frequent visitors here to forgive me for indulging myself so deeply in thoughts of fancy upon finding this person. Its been many years since I have felt this, this deeply and even after all this time the sweet discovery is a bit overwhelming. Time heals all wounds as I know for a certainty and time answers all questions. Patience has never been a strong point for me. But for this I think I can happily learn...

time...

....finally.

2011-02-05T20:08:00.005-05:00

....someone left a comment in a previous entry about not to "fall to hard to fast". I must agree in this case, probably more than all others in the past. Seems my life has been a tragedy of sorts, but then again blessed in so many ways. Rain must fall in every one's life and mine is no different nor more special than the next persons. What is special is that which I have been allowed to find. Almost two years ago I thought I had found that special someone, proposed, only then to find out the deep evil that resided inside her. Something that was so well hidden and never expected. Since that day she has moved from one person to the next, leaving a trail of lies, deceit. Yes, I was played by a real professional. What I didn't expect was for that to put me in such a non trusting state after the dust had settled. I didn't trust myself nor anyone and this bothered me greatly as I wasn't that type of person. Yet I couldn't heal for some reason as the days past by. So I began to withdraw into myself, gazing out through the prison walls I had constructed.

Then?.......silence sets in and a deep numbness envelops the heart soul and spirit. I tried to date, get up and out the place where I was. Met wonderful people but something inside wasn't right and I guess I was fooling myself. Hurting people, as I wasn't ready for what was being offered.

Time passes..........Then on a day not unlike any other someone says "hello" and then and there everything changed. Cant explain it and I am not going to try. But I cant help but feel this is a gift from God. Yes, there is a connection that runs deep and it wasted no time in seeing how deep inside it could go. Places inside my heart that have been locked away for the last decade or more are now open and the sun pours forth into places long closed. Yes, I have fallen and I offer no apologies for this. Once in my life long ago I loved, found that which I sought and then lost. Now? This I have learned, the greater the joy the greater the pain. I am wiling to pay the price for happiness as anyone should be. So while I may have fallen hard and fast, can you blame me? You try it and see how easy it is.. I still retain my wits and composure though it all, looking at whats before me and it hasn't looked this promising, felt so right in a many years..

Our last time together, I held her close, held her tight. The only thing beyond the thankfulness in my heart of having her in my life, was the single thought of....

...finally.

another step taken...

2011-02-02T21:54:00.003-05:00

.....finding myself in a place that I have longed to be at for such a long time. I stand amazed humbled, grateful but also afraid. I asked for this over a decade ago and received it once before. But by lack of fortitude I let go, said goodbye and paid a heavy price, both in mind and spirit. Now? I stand watching, wondering feeling unworthy of such. A simple glance, a smile and everything becomes a blur. The heart and mind remain silent as they ponder the outcome of this. They have been here before and quickly remember the greatest joy as well as the deepest pain over the years. Still all is quiet between them tonight as they enjoy the feeling, the warmth from this discovery so sweet. The outcome..Time shall tell...To make her mine indeed is my greatest desire, but that's not my choice, only my prayer. I have waited, fought my way this far and in the process found myself slowly crumbling inside. Retreating withing myself as there seemed no use to believe anymore. No person could reach me where I had hidden myself. Self imposed exile had become a familiar fate it seemed....until now. Another prayer...another chance......

another step taken...

Clarity...

2011-01-30T20:36:00.002-05:00

..words have been elusive and haven't come easy for a while. This has happened from time to time as there seems to be a bottleneck of sorts..so much trying to get out at once. No clear train of thought can be achieved and nothing is clear. Tonight isn't one of those nights. The words are here, waiting for release. For once there is clarity.........
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I have blogged many many times of losing and the search that began when someone said goodbye. that someone being me. Over the years I have written of hurt, lessons learned, loves lost and loves found. I have written about the person who has remained elusive year after year to appear in my dreams. A symbolic figure of that that I seek, but still remaining unknown. I have written about a host of different subjects, each with its own meaning, emotion and purpose. Tonight I find myself hesitant to speak, to put into words that which I have found and felt. You can always hope for something...Pray for it even...maybe believing and knowing that it could happen. But when it actually does, everything stands still and belief becomes unbelief. I find myself in that stage of unbelief now. To put into words is simple..

She has walked out of my dreams and into my life...I am at a loss for words and can do nothing but stare in awe of beauty that flows inside and out. I am most grateful and humbled by this. A gift from God. A pearl of great price. I can only pray that I am allowed to posses such a find for a long time to come....

.....when we

2011-01-29T22:57:00.003-05:00

rest...

2011-01-27T20:49:00.003-05:00

....tonight I sit here wondering and thinking about "hello." Sometimes you are caught off guard and for a moment a smile stops you in your tracks and you feel nothing but awe and wonder. The mind reels from the unexpected moment of happiness and I find myself fumbling for the right thing to say and feeling so inadequate of that which is gracing my presence. Taking one step at a time I find myself looking back to see if she is still there. A dream? Wake me not. As I mentioned in the previous entry that I feel like I am in uncharted territory. Its been a while since something, someone reached this deep inside. The outcome? I have no idea of where I am headed as I have no control over this. I stand and watch the scenery pass by carried along by a smile, a stolen glance..Yes its a very welcome feeling from the past of uncertainty and hurt over the years...regardless its a blessing from above and for this I am thankful. Learning to trust....to care...to live. Its been a struggle thus far but for a moment in time I feel at ease and peace abounds...I will cherish this while it lasts and give God thanks...

......rest

...uncharted territory.

2011-01-26T21:30:00.003-05:00

.....landscape has changed and frankly I have no idea where I am at. Having guides from the past, experiences to fall back on, help me in moments when uncertainty sets in but now? Clueless. This time I don't need another line of "what ifs" or "what could have beens"....Some thing is different and I a trying to grasp, trying to place it into a context that I can understand. Something hidden in plain sight it seems. Glimmer of warmth shines through for a instant, retreating behind a smile...It's been a while since I have been here..

..uncharted territory.

waiting...

2011-01-22T12:30:00.007-05:00

.....so soft as it comes to my ears and yet I cannot comprehend what is being said. A warning, omen of whats to come? Perhaps of what could be? Still distant even while before me and I feel am walking blind. Slower steps, patience and prayer.

Blind faith...believing....waiting....thoughts come and go as well as faces that have hurt me and those who I have hurt..So foolish in my ways. Feeling I am paying the price for this...I stand in the balance and find myself wanting and.....

waiting.

...somewhere.

2011-01-18T20:13:00.009-05:00

Below is the lyrics to the music you hear on the blog I was searching for some music, different. Came across this by chance and was drawn in. "Somewhere" fits perfectly into the feeling of the blog as a whole. The search, the inner battles one faces, so much to say and it says it well...."Bittersweet" Having had and lost that which was so precious to me and thinking of memories and what could have been, only if...."Pale" This song has my name written all over it. Telling oneself what they have to do regardless of the pain...and finally "Angel" The time of when a person looked like a "angel" and then the facade crumbles and the real person , the truth is known. The wound is quick, clean and the pain sets in..deeply.

"Somewhere"

Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence,
Can't you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping,
Need to know where you are
But one thing's for sure,
You're always in my heart

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened,
The truth will free my soul

Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go
Almost hope you're in heaven so no one can hurt your soul
Living in agony 'cause I just do not know where you are

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever happened,
The truth will free my soul

Wherever you are, I won't stop searching
Whatever it takes me to go

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever happened,
The truth will free my soul
========================================

"Bittersweet"

If I tell you will you listen?
Will you stay? Will you be here forever?
Never go away?

Never thought things would change
Hold me tight..Please don't say again
That you have to go

A bitter thought I had it all
But I just let it go oh, this silence
It's so violent since your`re gone

All my thoughts are with you forever
Until the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you

If I had told you, you would have listened
You had stayed, you would be here forever
Never went away, it would never have been the same
All our time would have been in vain
Cause you had to go

The sweetest thought
I had it all cause I did let you go
All our moments keep me warm
When you're gone

All my thoughts are with you forever
Until the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you.

===================================================

"Pale"

The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

I know, should realize
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it'll be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be all right.

Oh, this night is too long.
Have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist see the face
Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I have to stay.
========================================

"Angel"

Sparkling angel I believe
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.

Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give you reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

...answers bring more questions..

2011-01-14T20:57:00.003-05:00

.... quiet Friday night and while I am relaxing with coffee and prose I still feel the ever present uneasiness. I realize that I never seem very positive on this blog ,save once in every so often. Those moments have been few and fleeting, but nonetheless they have passed my way. Now? Its painfully apparent I still retreat into a shell, even though happiness is near. A cursed protective impulse caused by someone who by nature was a hidden evil that crossed my path. Cruel seduction indeed and even today my heart and mind still bear the scars. So where to from here..Look at whats before me as this landscape changes with an poetic subtlety and I need to enjoy the passing scene as it unfolds. Sometimes I feel I have no idea who I am or where I am going and then at times I feel I stand before the tempest roaring with the sting of rain in my face and feel alive..but for now...

...answers bring more questions..

....which way...

2011-01-12T20:32:00.003-05:00

...for the moment all is quiet..The mind and heart, both remain silent. Hard to tell if the reason is a peace of sorts or a moment of rest for some ill wind that's heading my way...If history is any indication of my future, I best be found battening down the hatches....

.somewhere..

2011-01-07T21:42:00.002-05:00

....Images past, slowly flicker into view becoming clear as my eyes and heart adjust. Times over this has happened and events emotions all fall by the wayside and the Wayfarer continues on, searching. Sweet addictions became a dream made flesh and a completion of the journey of my life search. This was the end result sought over and over in this life and nothing but pain and disappointment was the conclusion of such thoughts and hopes....until today. In seeking comes trusting..in trusting comes a reawakening of sorts and the minds ability to accept and to heal even further. We never know exactly when love begins but we always know when it ends. Having graced the presence of so many faces in search of the same I have become complacent and non expectant of happiness in my life. But when it does pass my way, even for a brief moment in time, I consider it so precious and a gift from God. A respite from the storm and a surfacing for air. Enjoying the sun for the moment, not knowing when it will end. It always has concluded with saying goodbye and the continuing of the search. But with the moments of solace comes a feeling that one day everything will change and there will be no need no more of anything.

.....somewhere.

going home...

2011-01-02T22:16:00.003-05:00

.....Apprehension.....sense of dread but I had to get back "on track" so I sent a text message, short and to the point. "Are you available to talk?" The answer came a few minutes later, yes they could and meet them in about 45 minutes. Conversation slowly came out.. So much that had been bottled up for many years slowly came forth...deep pain on the inside..regret...lots of regret...shame for letting them down. They offered hope, encouragement and most importantly, prayer...I walked away with a huge weight off my shoulders..I said goodbye..slowly drifting away from a path I walked for over 20 years. Now its time to return.

....Having a Pastor you can confide in, is a blessing...somehow with God's grace the journey will begin back home back to where I once was.

The "Prodigal Son" is going home..........

New Year, same ole...

2010-12-31T21:17:00.001-05:00

Another new year is upon me. While I do wonder what the new year holds I cant help but think its another year of goodbyes. Trying to keep a positive outlook but history has proven me wrong more than once and fate it seems enjoys watching this drama played out. So with this in mind I will continue my performance as the stage is set and the lone actor is ready....Que lights......

New Year, same ole....

.........waiting

2010-12-28T20:58:00.004-05:00

....wonderful road trip in the mountains of Tennessee during Christmas. Alone and with no destination in mind other than shoot pictures of the beautiful snowfall. This I did for four days. A nice reprieve from every day life but now my time has expired and I must return to reality. Memories of forgotten roads and the less traveled byways will bring a smile to my face for some time to come. Many times I was beside a country road, all quiet except the snow falling..Solace for the soul and mind.

Always eager to see what was around the next curve but only finding more of the unknown waiting to be discovered.

.....waiting.

....my release.

2010-12-21T22:20:00.003-05:00

Sitting here tonight I was asked does this blog help me to heal. Yes it has helped and will continue to as time goes on. This blog is an outlet for my creative juices but it is also a log of sorts in my journey from divorce, dating "late" in life and eventually back into marriage.( that's the plan for now.) As I have mentioned the underlying theme of this blog is "that someone said goodbye" and that person being me. Having found what I had sought for only to let it go like a fool. Now? Having no recourse other than to journey on and hope that God has mercy and affords me one more chance. Thus this blog chronicles my thoughts, feelings and wayfarings through the landscape of my life. Sometimes dark, sometimes not so much. Lots of times the passages will have multiple meanings, then sometimes they are face value. Maybe you will find encouragement or something to take along with you. I am a wayfarer. I found my forever once and let her go. There will be no letting go next time. And its this next time that I hope and wait for. I will never have the one I let go ever again. Does it hurt? Yes, but in a different way. There is a constant reminder of my foolishness and lack of fortitude that being an emptiness of sorts. Its not a pining away for the one I let go but for what I found and let go. A pearl of great price....pure love, a dream made flesh. Imagine having that in your life and letting it go, then maybe you will understand my pain.

She is out there....somewhere. The dreams continue as does the search....

....my release.

....maybe.

2010-12-19T21:55:00.002-05:00

....Nice title to tonight's blog entry. Just wish i had something to go with it. Feeling drained in mind body and spirit. Waiting to be captured? Captivated? Freed?

...maybe.

............please.

2010-12-16T21:10:00.001-05:00

....another day, another lifetime.

2010-12-16T20:32:00.004-05:00

Back from being on the road for a couple days, doing some photo work for my EMS service. It was nice to get out and change up the pace of life a little. Still though, sitting in a hotel room and watching a cold rain fall outside while relaxing is very lonely feeling at the same time. Coming to feel comfortable in this low ebb of my life and it worries me still. As it is said "hindsight is always 100%" and while on the road I had time to reflect and come to realize that I let one get away, yet again. But then again a freshly divorced female isn't something I wanted to get involved with. Lots of healing to be done and I wanted her to get that time and be happy in the end. Trying to put her well being ahead of my own desires and wishes. I didn't want to be a stepping stone. No need to get involved just to lose her when she realized that I wasn't what she wanted and I was nothing more than something different. Guess I get to pat myself on the back for a job well done. She moved on alright, married and is now happier than ever. All I can do is smile and be happy that she found what she sought for so many years. Could it have been me? Maybe...

... another day, another lifetime.....

....one day.

2010-12-13T20:36:00.001-05:00

.....one day we will meet and I will give all my secrets away...one day.

patience...

2010-12-12T22:58:00.002-05:00

Freezing temps tonight and the wind is blowing very hard under a sliver of moon. Some how this brings a certain amount of peace tonight. I will gladly embrace this moment and let my mind run where it may. So many times I have approached my past from different angles, wondering if a small change here or there could have created a different outcome. Each time I come to the realization that there was no way to change the inevitable outcome. So what now? Haven't a clue. My path is not clear anymore. Once I felt in control but now I feel like I am only along for the ride and my destination is unknown. Waiting for the next stop to get off and start over...

patience...

...when love was found.

2010-12-10T22:39:00.004-05:00

....sometimes I just sit here, looking at this screen trying to figure out what to say. There are some things, both good and not so good, that just cant be put into words from time to time. Guess tonight is one of those nights. These cold winter days and nights take something from me. The sweet rejuvenation of springtime seems to far away for now, so out of reach. A purgatory of the heart and senses is what it seems like I am going through. Small moments of happiness pass my way and this helps me to continue, allowing me to see whats around the next bend in the road. I added the video below as a reminder to myself that happiness can be found..
Seven years ago I traveled to meet someone special for the first time. The special someone thats the inspiration for this blog. After spending a unforgettable afternoon together we parted company. I, to my hotel room and she, to her home. We had planned to meet later for dinner. I turned on the TV and this video was just starting to play. I starting watching it and I just broke down...Tears I never knew I had just flowed..My new day had came and I had been touched by an angel...

....when love was found.

...you rescued me, now free me.

2010-12-06T20:54:00.005-05:00

A constant that follows me, that haunts me, that appears in a smile when I least expect it. Forever hounded by the feeling of not being good enough or worthy of anything good these days. A heart which keeps time with the ebb and flow of these cold days as they pass ever so slowly. The warmth of an embrace the magic of a kiss, both seem so far away and so removed from my world for now. Compassion, for the time being seems as elusive as you are, where ever you are now. Do you ever grace these writings with your presence? Do you ever wonder what could have been? Years have passed and even though I have had my closure , you still remain in my heart one way or another. Face to face we have met in one way or another. The dreamscapes change each eveningfall but the underlying current is there each time reuniting us over and over again. The wound laid bare, laid open once again. I searched for an answer to a dream and found it that warm March day, in another lifetime. Even until this day I search for what I lost, in the eyes and heart of another...

...you rescued me, now free me.

..firepower...

2010-12-02T21:49:00.000-05:00

...sometimes you need more...

missing in life...

2010-11-28T21:03:00.003-05:00

...when I divorced my first time long ago I found a world of wonder and excitement. I was young, naive in so many ways and adventures awaited around every corner, every embrace of the senses. I spent so much time wasting precious energy and emotion on what I thought I wanted m life. Years go by I meet another and a new life begins. This life began teaching me many things I needed and to give me some bearing and purpose. Sadly in the end it was not meant to be and once again I was wounded and alone. But this time I had knowledge and some wisdom about me or so I thought. Years had passed and I counted myself the wiser and knew just what to do in life now. The only problem being that while I stayed inside a new world of my own, the real world was changing into something I would not recognize once I returned. But I counted myself resourceful and adaptable to the brave new world I was entering. But it wasn't a friendly environment awaiting its prodigal son with outstretched arms and I found myself thinking back to 12 year before. Alone, hurt and not knowing which way to turn. So now 3 years later I find myself no closer to the truth and hurt deeper than I could have imagined. I never expected this to be my hand but the cards don't lie.
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So today I go through the motions, the emotions. Each breath a reminder of where I am at and how much it seems that I am lost and haven't a clue on where to go from here. Many "wayfarers" have crossed my path, each with their own story and each with no destination in mind other than to keep searching, keep hoping. Do I really know what I want? Yes, but finding it is something I have no control over. No rain on the horizon and my soul is so thirsty. Maybe I am living in a fairytale and expect to much in this life. This I know to be true. That once in my life I looked into the eyes of what I was searching for. I held a dream in my arms as tears washed away any evidence of the pain I had endured. And now for reasons all to apparent and all to familiar to me since that day, I said goodbye. Since that day 8 years ago I have been only one thing to myself...

.....missing in life...

sometimes you look like a nut, sometimes you dont....

2010-11-28T20:41:00.005-05:00

......approaching the end of yet another year. Sometimes I feel I am running out of things to write about or should I say ways to write about them..I don't want to come across as suicidal or continually on the verge of a nervous breakdown. (yes I am laughing while typing this) I guess most of the time my prose is a wee bit on the dark side and seems desolate or forsaken, but that's how I have felt for a long time and the writings follow these lines as well. So with this being said I plan on allowing myself more leeway and writing what I feel and not really worrying about the outward appearance..This blog shall end one day with the discovery of another dream, but for now it is what it is..My escape and my release.....

.......fade away.

2010-11-25T21:40:00.003-05:00

...Gotta break out of this shell. I know the weakness of this prison as I have visited it more than once in this lifetime. Bottom line? Patience and wait for only God knows what... Fade away.