October is here and soon I will be on the road to parts unknown. Looking forward to discovery and solitude of a long forgotten back road. Going back over my blog and time, it is passing. Looking back on my life I see mistakes made once to often and not learning from them as I didn't want to learn from them. I knew what I was doing. Now? There is a price to pay for getting what you want and not what you need. I am finally learning this. There is hurt in life as well as joy. Love and loss and then discovery. Not knowing where to go or where to turn is actually a benefit of sorts. I have always been on "my time", what I wanted, as if I am somehow owed due to being wronged in the past, maybe due to letting go when I should have held on. Time passes and wrong choices slowly begin to catch up with me as the heart soul and mind pay the price. again, all my fault. Carelessly stumbling through life with no direction until finally I lost myself. Vulnerable and reaching out and being taken advantage of and deservedly so. Coming face to face with with pure beauty and pure evil and all in the same smile. How did I get here, here to this point and so far from the person I once was. The answer is bit by bit and step by step, becoming untrue to oneself is a very slippery slope. The carnage as well as the healing will not happen overnight, but at least now the carnage is stopped and the healing is a welcome feeling indeed. With the healing comes learning to trust. Trusting myself which I still don't and trusting others so in the end I have learned one thing...sometimes..
........when we lose we win.